


Bells For Becca

by asherisnotfunny



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Also weed usage, Cutting, Drunkenness, Eventual Happy Ending, I promise, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Theater AU, Theatre AU, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, trans!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-05-05 12:32:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 34,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5375333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asherisnotfunny/pseuds/asherisnotfunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil's long-term girlfriend mysteriously vanishes without a trace. With her history of suicide attempts her family fears the worst. He, however, does not lose hope. He spends 5 years desperately searching for her. Just when he thinks of giving up he receives new information on her possible whereabouts... One thing is for sure: a person can change a lot in 5 years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rebecca Jane Davies

**Author's Note:**

> This was initially inspired by the song "My Reply" by The Ataris.  
> 

Phil checked phone and his emails every morning hoping to see something from her. Two years ago, he got a spam message from her abandoned email account. To him, however, it was more than just a stupid email account. It was their beginning. He often reread the first email she sent to remind himself that he knew what he was getting into from the start.

_Dear Phil Lester,_

_I’m not sure if you read these or if some public relations guy reads them for you but I’ll write in the mindset that this will be you reading. I’ve been watching you since I was a preteen- fuck okay that sounds creepy. You know what I mean right? Your show. I’ve been watching you act on a family friendly sitcom. Um, anyway, I’m just writing this to thank you._

_I’ve struggled with self harm since I was 11 and nothing has ever calmed me down like your voice. I know it’s weird and honestly there’s no way for me to continue this letter without sounding like an attention whore so if you wanna duck out and pretend this got lost in the sea of letters I won’t notice anyway so go for it. I remember I was told by a friend to watch some movie that was on before the show premiered but I completely missed the movie due to a breakdown related to me seeing my reflection or something else that was just stupid to cry over. I went to cut and I just heard your voice over for the first episode… and I just stopped. A few minutes in and I wasn’t crying anymore and I even laughed. I looked you up afterwards and watched EVERYTHING you were in (all 4 at the time). I rewatched them when I was upset. You were only 15 when I first heard you and since it’s going to be your 18th birthday next year I figured I’d send you a letter with every cheesy poem I wrote. Wait. You don’t like cheese right? Let’s use sappy instead. I wrote these SAPPY poems that are 100% fungus-free. You won’t get most of them since you don’t know me, so you can totally trash them. I just need someone to have them and I really can’t have anyone tip off my parents._

__

_You have the most beautiful smile and the warmest voice and like a million different eye colors (except one: brown. But don’t worry- I’ve got that color covered with mine). Don’t let anyone ever say a single thing that brings you down because people like you are made of laughter and sunshine. I’m sure you have bad days just like everyone does but please remember you kept me alive for years._

__

_It’s not your fault I didn’t conquer depression or whatever- honestly. And 16 years old is old enough for me. You’re a hero and deserve all things good. So I’m sending this to you in the hopes that any luck and happiness I have left goes straight to you when I hit send._

_Maybe I’ll see you in another life if that’s actually a thing? Who knows?_

_Your fan,_

_Rebecca Jane Davies_

****  
  
  


The email had been sent December 6th; Phil read it January 8th. He searched the internet to track her down through fan things related to the show. He just needed to know she was okay. When he found her blog, he saw that she’d posted her phone number. He hesitated, then went and called it anyway. He convinced himself that because she was a fan it wasn’t weird.  As it rang he realized he didn’t block his number.

xx

“ _Hello?_ ” Answered a feminine voice on the other end.

“Um, hey.” Phil stumbled over his words as he realized he hadn’t planned what he would say. “Rebecca?”

“ _Yes?_ ” She said in an annoyed tone. “ _If this is Emma’s boyfriend or any of her friends, I swear to God I am calling the police._ ”

He was a little taken aback. This girl who seemed so fragile in the email was more feisty than he’d anticipated. “No,” he asserted, “it’s Phil.”

“ _This is new,_ ” Rebecca snarked. “ _You’re actually pretty good at this impersonation. I’ll humor you, Phil. How can I help you?_ ”

“I got your email and the poetry you sent me in December. I wanted to make sure you didn’t follow through…” Phil said softly. There was silence on the other end until he heard a shaky breath. “Please don’t cry. I’d like to take you out for a day, if that’s okay? The email was really funny. Wait, I mean the jokes. Not the part where you were talking about killing yourself. Wow that’s not- Can I start over?”

He heard her laugh at his failure to speak. “ _Are you being genuine?_ ” Her voice was high and cracked a little at the end.

“Yeah, unless you say no. If you don’t want to then we could pretend I’m joking.” He smiled as he heard her laugh again.

“ _Only on one condition,_ ” she paused for dramatic effect, “ _you don’t comment on my height. I’m really tall._ ”

“Taller than me?” Phil said with surprise.

“ _I don’t know. I’ve never looked up anyone’s height on the show because I don’t want to be disappointed._ ”

“I’m 6’3.”

“ _This is the best day I’ve had in a long time._ ”

xx

They met up that following Saturday and Phil pampered her. He took her to see a musical and felt himself falling in love. He only meant to do something nice with a funny girl that needed some love, but she was remarkable. They went to dinner afterwards and wandered through some comic stores. They had so much in common- even silly things like what they considered the best cereals and favorite shows.

He learned she used to act in plays and loved to sing. His favorite fact was that she collected bells. She had at least one from every country she’d been. They stopped in a souvenir shop so she could grab one. She rang three before she stuck with the first.

When Phil asked why, she replied: “ _Every bell sounds a little different, even if it’s just from how I shake it. This one sounds more like today, if that makes sense. I guess I like collecting them because when you ring the bell the first time you are making that memory. That moment will always be in your head, and when you ring it-_ ” she smiled and rang it again, “ _it triggers the memory._ ”

Phil’s heart fluttered and stared into her eyes as he noticed her left cheek. “ _You have a dimple._ ”

And that was the first time he saw her blush. She went to cover her mouth when he insisted she take a picture with him because that’s how _he_ kept memories. She removed her hand from her face and smiled as he took it. Afterwards she asked: “ _Can I have a copy too?_ ”

He remembered at the end of the date he asked if she wanted to see him again next week and she cried. She nodded quickly, “ _Definitely, yeah._ ” And her dimple returned as she grinned.

They saw each other every weekend for almost a year until filming started in November. Then there were apologies and rainchecks. He started to get stressed by her need for reassurance when he was under so much pressure. Her texts started to come less frequently, as did his replies. His popularity was skyrocketing and he was offered a movie deal that would start filming in the United States in September. He managed to come to her graduation ceremony. On the 20th of June, he realized he’d forgotten her 18th birthday on the 11th. He apologized profusely and told her how big of a deal it was to him that she made it so far. That night it felt like everything fell into place and they had a 5 hour Skype call full of laughs and debates on silly things like the best kind of juice.

She called him 4 times on August 4th and sent a text message that read: ** _i really need to tell you something. call me._**

He was about to get a transfer on a plane back home when he saw the messages 5 hours after they’d been sent. He planned to call her back.

He fell asleep on the plane and when he woke he found his carry-on luggage had been stolen. He spent the next 48 hours fighting with the airport and hating himself for not knowing her number by heart. When he got a new phone he called her and she didn’t answer. He texted her and she didn’t reply. She wasn’t logged in on Skype. The next day he went to her house to explain in person only to find police outside. His stomach dropped as he approached the front door. Her parents explained she was supposed to leave for her plane to the US for her gap year but she’d run away at some point during the night a few days ago. He had no idea planned a gap year and apparently her family had no idea she was dating him.

After he was able to prove to the police that he had nothing to do with it he helped with the search. A year passed slowly and it became a cold case. At 21, with her family’s blessing, he launched his own search and charity: **Bells For Becca**.

The charity reaches out to runaways and those who suffer from self harm and suicidal thoughts. Most of the money raised goes towards aiding in searches for missing young persons. They hold an annual fundraising event every year that lists off the names of missing young people at risk followed by a loved one ringing a bell. It also supports youth runaway shelters. When he isn't filming he speaks at schools about reaching out for help, suicide prevention, and safer alternatives to living on the streets.

 

He posted pictures in or near every souvenir shop he could find that sold bells when in England.

He was 24 now. Many would say he was no longer at his prime in his career. He admitted he had become obsessed with the idea of her but there were too many questions left unanswered for him to drop it.

Did she kill herself or go into hiding? Why? What happened? Where did she go? What did she want to tell him?

****  
  


He loved and hated the charity as it prevented him from moving on- but it brought him so much joy for how many people he helped.

* * *

 

There was a rapid knocking at the door too early on a day off. Inside the flat, a brunette squeezed his eyes shut tighter in an attempt to return to the dream he was already beginning to forget. He struggled to drift off as the knocking continued and groaned as loudly as possible. He hoped that maybe the sound would travel from his bedroom to the front door and the person knocking would give up upon realization the person inside was trying to sleep. The knocking persisted. He pulled the blankets over his head in frustration before hissing at the blanket grazed against the untreated scars on his arm. He forgot last night was a bad one. Sitting up, he let the blanket fall on its own and swung his legs over the edge. As his feet hit the dark wood floor, he realized it was cold in the apartment again. For an apartment with a doorman, one would expect the utilities to be more reliable. He pulled an oversized hoodie over his head and fished sweatpants out of his laundry. He’d run out of pants 4 days ago but his washer was broken and the laundromat had unreliable heating as well. He considered this an excellent excuse to get absolutely nothing done.

****

“Daniel James Howell, I swear to god if you don’t open this door I’ll tell them you attempted just to get your door knocked down,” shouted his lovely American neighbor through the door.

****

Dan opened the door but didn’t move to let him in. “You know, Tyler, some people might find that an insensitive thing to say.”

****

The blonde pushed through anyway. “Fuck, you don’t have heat either? That means it’s the whole building… And it wouldn’t seem insensitive to you if you stopped cutting so maybe that could be a motivator.”

****

Dan closed the door with a sigh. “If you paid your bills you wouldn’t have to force your way through your friend’s apartment to double check if your frostbite was your own fault.”

****

“Wait,” Tyler turned around and narrowed his eyes, “you didn’t protest. Arms!”

****

“Tyler,” he said defensively. “I don’t-”

****

He put a finger up to Dan’s lips, “PJ put me in charge.”

****

“Because you’re my neighbor.”

****

“Because we both care!” He exclaimed. “ _And_ because I’m local. When a tall, curly British boy tells me to do something, I listen!”

****

“Well then: _back off!_ ”

****

“Sorry, I should have specified that you don’t count when it comes to that rule.” He led him to the breakfast bar on the left. “Let me see or I’ll call him.”

****

“You’ll call him anyway.”

****

“Let me see or I’ll call him _now_ instead of later.”

****

Dan reluctantly took the hoodie off completely, exposing his bare chest, and laid both arms on the cold counter. From his wrist to his shoulders, he sported a large tally of relapses in all stages of healing. He wondered, looking down, how far apart episodes had to be for them to be considered “relapses,” or if he should call it something else. He glanced up at Tyler and saw his stunningly serious blue eyes looking right back at his. He could almost feel the hairs on his arms stand on end as the goosebumps formed.

****

“Was it worth it?” Tyler asked, as he always did.

****

Dan shrugged. The blonde didn’t press further.

****

He saw his phone on the arm of the couch where he left it last night before he’d ran into his room. He thought about his phone’s search history and panicked a bit internally. Had he erased it? When Tyler decided to “help” that was the first place he looked. He said identifying Dan’s triggers would be the fastest way to get him to stop but all it seemed to be doing was raising his level of paranoia.

****

“Since you’re not talking…” He took Dan’s phone off the couch. “Let’s see that search history of yours.” Dan knew better than to protest when Tyler did these things, because he always had a way of getting Dan’s permission regardless. When his eccentric persona dropped and he started showing his genuine self, there was no saying no to the caring and concerned soul beneath. “Phil Lester again? What is it with this Hollywood-has-been and you?” Dan’s eyes narrowed and Tyler shrugged with a sigh. “I can’t help you if you won’t help me understand. It’s always this guy on your bad days. You know he runs a charity, right? Bells for-”

****  
**** “Bells for Becca. I know.” Dan cut him off shortly.


	2. Small World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan makes a phone call and Phil gets ready to quit.

“Bells for Becca. I know.” Dan cut him off shortly.

“Then you know how against self harm he is." Dan sighed. Tyler had the spiel memorized and he never failed to throw it in his face. His intentions were good, Dan reminded himself as he braced himself for the inevitable advert. "Bells for Becca is a charity that reaches out to runaways and those who suffer from self harm and suicidal thoughts. They-”

“Tyler, I know.” Dan asserted. His throat was closing with anxiety.

“Well fine then,” he put Dan’s phone down. “Why’d you do it last night?”

“The Bells for Becca website says I probably have low self esteem despite my charming and sarcastic façade. Deep down, I must feel guilty or worthless regardless of how fortunate my life is. It’s a huge warning sign that I might be thinking about running away from my home.”

“Don’t be a dick.”

“You first.”

“Daniel.”

“Tyler.”

“Don’t you ‘ _Ty-luh_ ’ me!” The blonde got up and for a moment Dan thought he might be leaving. However, he walked past the door and into the bathroom. He returned with white bandage and a tube of Mederma. “Let's get this show on the road. Do you rehearse today?”

“No. It’s Sunday. That’s why I was sleeping.”

“Aw,” he pouted, “is PJ coming over, then?”

“Not that I know of. Why?”

Tyler sighed, “Because you’re meant for each other, obviously.”

Dan shook his head with a chuckle. Tyler was, without a doubt, Dan and PJ’s number one shipper. PJ had made it clear on a few occasions that he would love to be with Dan. Dan, however, insisted he was asexual. Tyler took this as a challenge rather than a valid sexuality because he didn’t believe Dan was being honest. Funny enough, had Dan been an honest man, he’d have admitted that Tyler was right. However, his entire relationship with Tyler began with a lie.

 

“When I first met you,” Tyler started as he squirted a dab of the scar cream onto Dan's fresh forming scabs.

“Tyler, not this again-”

“ _When I first met you,_ ” he repeated louder as he raised his eyebrows in warning, “you told me you wanted to be an actor. You told me you had experience and what did you do?"

"I lied."

" _You lied_. You were fresh off the train to this big old city, and the first man you befriended you _lied_ to. I got you an audition because I sleep with the right people,” he grinned at the memory, “and sometimes it comes in handy. _Luckily_ , you were good enough that it didn’t matter that your real resume was blank.”

“And I thank you every time I get a role and get you tickets whenever you need them if a show isn’t already sold out.” Dan reminded him.

Tyler’s thumb rubbed the scar cream over the red lines in comforting circles. “What I’m saying is that even though you lied to my face and used me on your road to fame- I’m still here. Literally nothing you tell me could change me sitting here. Anything you did, anything that was done to you, anything you saw… _anything_. You’re my Daniel. Brown hair, deep eyes, and a big dick. Probably.”

“Probably.” Dan forced a chuckle.

“You’ve got long fingers and when talking proportions you need a large penis to balance it out.” He stated matter-of-factly with a smile and started wrapping Dan’s arms with bandage. He always kept it symmetrical even if the cuts weren’t. He said he wanted people to have the option to assume it was a weird thing he did as a fashion statement rather than rightfully assume there were cuts beneath them. Dan appreciated this.

There was a nice silence between them for a moment or two as Tyler played perfectionist. Dan thought back to his first meeting with him.

He should have been on a plane on his way to the USA for his gap year but decided to vanish instead. He smiled as he stepped outside the train station under the gray London sky. He quickly found his way into a souvenir shop and played with the bells. He didn't buy any of them. He had emptied his accounts slowly the whole week before and planned to blow it all on a haircut and mastectomy before he finally decided whether or not he’d stick around. He remembered meeting Tyler that night after his haircut outside of the theater he’d performed in yesterday. Tyler stood next to him for a moment before he had asked him if he was okay or if maybe he was lost. Dan had looked at him and honestly replied: _“Not right now. I actually think I might actually have found myself.”_ Tyler let him stay the night and Dan left early that morning and left a thank-you note. He paid for his surgery in cash leaving him with a grand total of £903 to his name to last him until surgery the next month.

He found a job at that first souvenir shop after a conversation with the shop's owner, Louise, about bells. She let him crash in her guest room until Dan found his way into his own apartment. Unknowingly, it was in the same building as Tyler (though it wasn't more than a day before Tyler found out). Dan ate next to nothing and saved every single dollar he could so he could hibernate after the surgery. When he got home after the surgery he isolated himself from the world. The keyhole mastectomy healed quickly enough that Tyler assumed Dan was just depressed for a few weeks. When he stopped returning the texts Tyler sent he called the doorman to knock down Dan's door. After discovering Dan in a pullover hoodie on his couch they had “the talk” about what Dan’s plan was. He asked him what his dreams and aspirations were and Dan told him he always enjoyed acting. Tyler brought him to his first audition.

Tyler brought him back to the present with a question: “Have you called your parents yet?” Dan shook his head. “Do you want me to lie and tell him you did?”

“No,” he replied quietly. “I might call them. I thought about it- but it will take so much explaining and everyone would cry," he spoke with exasperation. "I can’t handle people crying.”

“I could sit here while you do it. You know, as moral support.” The blonde suggested as he finished wrapping the arms with a pat.

The idea was terrifying to Dan. “No, that’s okay.” He quickly assured.

Tyler shrugged and repositioned his glasses back to the bridge of his nose. “I just don’t want you to feel so pressured by PJ. Although, he is right. Next week is opening night of your first big role: Marius! Like, it’s legit. People have heard of Les Miserables, and a lot of people know Marius, _and_ he has his own song! It’s depressing as _fuck_ but it’s powerful. Your mom and dad should be there.”

“I’m aware.” He looked down at his wrapped arms and thought about how he hid them from his parents. How upset his mother was when she saw them for the first time. How she made it about herself. How she finally apologized for doing that and said _“I was scared. I don’t want to lose my daughter. I love you so much, Becca.”_

“Then let’s do it.” Tyler sat up and scooted closer on his barstool. He pushed Dan’s phone in front of him. “Now or never.”

 

Dan had bought burner phones on occasion and called his mom, dad, and brother just to hear their voicemails. Last time his mom answered the call and he was too curious to hang up. She said hello two more times before mumbling about not having time for wrong numbers. Yet he still wondered, sometimes, if they knew it was him. He’d never used his own phone before.

He couldn’t tell Tyler: _“Hold on a sec- gotta grab a burner phone first.”_ But thinking about it with his phone’s dial pad before him, he wanted nothing more than to hear her voice again. He wanted to say “Hello.” This was the last time he’d allow himself to use this number to call her, though. That was the rule he’d always given himself. He picked up his phone, dialed, and turned it on speaker before putting it down in front of them.

 

**_Ring..._ **

 

**_Ring..._ **

 

 ** _Click._** _“Hello? Who’s this?”_

Dan couldn’t let himself react despite his heart pounding. He went straight to his comfort zone of acting and faked a confused face. “Mom?”

She laughed. _“Unless I have another son aside from the one who just called 20 minutes ago and is furious with me, I don’t believe so.”_

He couldn't believe how long it had been since he heard her laugh. It made him feel a little lightheaded. He imagined his brother- he must’ve been in university considering his age. He wanted to ask what university he went to and how his grades were and if he still played football but instead he replied: “You don’t have a Daniel then, I guess?” He asked with a chuckle.

_“No, can’t say I do. I only had two kids.”_

“Well, I must have the wrong number then. Would you like to come see me in the West End instead, then?” he joked.

_“Funny enough, I’m actually here in London on a little holiday with my husband.”_ Dan’s face paled.

Tyler cupped his hands around his mouth and whispered: “Legit though! Offer her tickets. She seems nice.”

He was never good at making decisions under pressure, and _especially_ not good at it if Tyler was involved in pressuring him. “Honestly though, would you like to come see a show? I’m performing in Les Miserables. It’s-”

_“Oh we already have tickets!”_ Dan’s stomach dropped so fast that he was pretty sure he was going to throw up. _“You’re in the show?”_

He suddenly couldn’t react the way his body wanted to. It was like someone else was speaking through him. “That’s so funny! I am yeah, I play Marius.”

_“Oh my god! Honey, it’s the boy who plays Marius! Isn’t that strange?”_ She exclaimed. He heard his father say something in response but he couldn’t make it out.

“I better go try another number. I haven’t spoken to my parents in too long.” His voice shook a little.

_“If I was your mother, Daniel, I would be so proud. Best of luck tracking her down.”_

“Thanks so much. Bye.” He said very quickly.

_“Goodbye.”_

 

**_Click._ **

As Dan hung up he noticed Tyler’s shocked face. It was then that he realized he was crying. He broke down and Tyler got up off his chair and hugged him tightly. “Hey, hey… it’s okay.” Dan went to say he was fine and didn’t need the hug but couldn’t stop crying.

She called him _Daniel_. His parents were going to see his show. Dan allowed himself to pretended for a moment they’d found him and were coming to see him perform _because_ they knew it was him.

He jumped as his phone rang. “Peej” flashed across the screen with a picture of PJ and Dan making gross faces. Tyler looked at the phone, then back at him. “Do you want me to tell him you want to be alone today?” He asked. Dan nodded. Tyler picked up the phone but left his other hand wrapped around Dan in the hug. “Hey, it’s Tyler. Yeah, he’s not doing so good today. Don’t worry, I got him. You can harass him tomorrow though, don’t worry.” He laughed at the end. “Of course. Enjoy the rest of your joint. Love your face, bye!"

Somewhere in the 20 minutes that followed, Tyler moved their hug to the couch and had turned on the TV to a music channel. Dan had calmed down but his eyes still dripped with tears. They just sat as the music played. Tyler took off his glasses and wiped a smudge off the right lens before putting them back on. He took a deep breath before speaking. “Now… I’m not sure how this is _possible_ or anything, but something tells me I missed something during the phone call.”

Dan visibly tensed.

“I thought so. You can run but you can’t hide from this one,” he pointed to himself. “Now dish.”

Dan feared this day would come. He always knew Tyler would be the first. He knew there was only so much time before his nosey ass wormed its way into his secret. "Um." He started before Tyler put up a finger to pause him.

"You don't _have_ to tell me. You know that, right?" Tyler said softly. "We both know I'm curious as _fuck,_ but this is clearly a big deal."

"I don't really want to tell you," Dan started, "I don't actually want to tell anyone." He chuckled bitterly. "I don't want it to actually be a thing, if I'm being honest." He adjusted his seat to face Tyler completely.

"Then don't. You don't have to. You look like you're about to, though."

Dan smiled a bit. "I..." He started before he felt a block in his throat. It was as though his body was literally forcing him not to speak. He pressed his lips in a firm line and shook his head. "...can't do this, apparently."

Tyler threw himself back with a groan in exasperation. "Oh, _Jesus Christ_ , don't do that."

"You are literally the most aggressively overdramatic best friend a person could fathom." Dan laughed.

"Says the self-harming thespian." Tyler teased and rested his legs on Dan's lap. "So," he crossed his legs. "Now that you're laughing, give me the exclusive."

"You are so pushy, and nosey, and-"

"I'm trying to be _supportive_ ," he interrupted, slapping his hands on his thighs in emphasis.

Dan cackled. "You are _failing_."

" _Hey!_ I'm trying!" He grabbed the brunette's phone. "Fuck this. I'm not good at this. I'm calling PJ."

“The fuck you are!” He reached for the phone but Tyler’s feet on his torso kept him from reaching too far.

The phone rang twice before he could hear PJ’s voice as he answered. “Come over.” Tyler said abruptly. Dan glared at him from across the couch as he hung up. Upon making eye contact, he added a slow shake of his head into the mix.

 ****  
  


* * *

 

 

He found himself walking through London and stepped into a tourist shop. He walked directly up to the “Missing” poster. The pink-haired woman behind the counter looked up and shook her head. “It’s still there, Phil.”

“Ah, Louise!” His face lit up. “It’s been ages!”

Her best friend Zoe was the first person found through his charity. Louise helped at the annual event every year but the last because her daughter was ill.

 

“I was actually going to email you tonight about the fundraiser. Are you sure you can handle two events this year? Obviously I’m more than happy to contribute and help out but I am _a bit_ worried about the bags under your eyes.”

Phil smiled softly. “Believe it or not I was offered help by BBC Radio 1 this year.”

Her eyes widened as her jaw dropped. “You’re kidding! How?”

“They want to stream it. Apparently Bells For Becca helped find one of the DJ’s sons or something.” He shrugged. “All of England is going to hear the bells ring.” He smiled.

“That’s fantastic! Why aren’t you as excited as I am?”

“Louise, I’m losing hope. What am I doing? She’s been gone for years. I was different then.” He picked up a bell. “I’m beginning to think I threw my life away. I definitely threw my career away. I know I’ve helped hundreds and given hope to thousands but… I don’t think I want to do this anymore.”

He rang the bell and put it down. There was a pause before Louise asked: “What are you doing here, then?”

“I’m meeting her parents for some sightseeing and taking them to see a show. Then I’m taking them to dinner where I break the news that this might be my last year with the charity. Unless any new evidence shows up I really can’t emotionally afford to keep doing this.”

Louise nodded softly. “I’m glad you’re putting yourself first at least.” She pat his shoulder. “You’ve matured a bit, haven’t you?”

 

He walked up to the poster and took it down. With a sigh he turned back to her. "I feel like I'm letting them down."

 

She pulled him into a hug. "The charity will go on without you, love." She pulled back and placed her hand on his cheek. "You've done so much good. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Now go find yourself a new lady. Or a boy! No judgement here. Find someone. You deserve to love again." 

 

He let out a small laugh, "Yes, mum."

 

She grinned. "Good!" She walked back to the counter and asked. "What show are you taking them to see?"

 

"Les Miserables. I managed to get opening night, actually."

 

Louise laughed. "You're joking! My old stock boy is performing in that! Such a sweetheart."

 

"Oh? Who is he playing?" 

 

"Marius! He has a fantastic voice. Be sure to meet him after the show! Get me a picture and tell him to come visit. I only get to see him on facebook these days." 

 

Phil laughed, "I will be sure to do that." He taped up an updated poster. "It was great seeing you, Louise." 

 

"You too, Phil. Come by more often! Next time after Darcy gets out of school. She misses you."

 

As he walked out of the souvenir shop he looked up at the sky and wondered how long it would be before he was completely sure she'd killed herself. It would be so much easier, he believed, if he just let her die in his mind. Then he could finally move on.

 

A curly haired boy ran down the block and bumped shoulders with Phil causing him to stumble and they both fell. 

 

He scrambled to his feet, "I am  _so_ sorry! Let me help you." He reached out his hand to help Phil up. "Oh my god, are you Phil Lester?"

 

Phil accepted the hand. "Yeah, thanks." He made his way back onto his feet. "What's your name?"

 

"PJ! PJ Liguori. My friend Dan is a HUGE fan of yours. He's having a rough time, so... thanks. For giving him something that keeps him happy. I'm actually on my way to see him now though, so I gotta run." 

 

Phil smiled. It had been a while since someone recognized him on the street, let alone a man. "Thank you. I really appreciate it. Wish him well for me."

 

"I will! Thanks." As he ran the two short blocks to Dan's apartment building PJ mentally kicked himself for not asking for a photo or video to show him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit starts to get real after this one haha <3 Prepare yourselves.


	3. Snooping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PJ has a nap. Tyler is trying to be a better person.

As the world seemed to gently sway, PJ ran the two blocks and chastised himself for continuing to smoke after the phone call with Tyler. He should have known better than to trust the American wouldn’t need his help. PJ was the one who was able to talk Dan down when he was in his self-destructive states. 

 

He recalled the first time he saw Dan’s scars during the first fitting for the costumes. Dan was pacing in the bathroom looking stressed and holding his arms folded close to his chest. PJ was only a stage hand at the time, so they’d only interacted once or twice before. He had approached him and asked: _“How can I help?”_

 

Dan barked a laugh: _“Unless you have figured out a way to turn back the clock to when I was about 11 I’m not sure you can.”_

 

PJ stepped closer. _“Let’s hypothetically say I do,”_ he said with a small smile. _“What would you need me to change?”_ There was a strong hesitation and a brief silence before Dan let out a soft sigh and showed PJ his arms. They were faded but noticeable due to the different stages of scarring. It was clear he’d stopped a while back, but the amount of scars he had was definitely concerning. He took in a breath before nodding and said: _“Let me see what I can do…”_ and ran across the hall to the women’s dressing room. _“Dodie!”_ he called, _“I need to borrow your foundation!”_

 

She looked confused, then suspicious and asked: _“Is this for a prank again?”_

 

He shook his head. _“No, it’s for a friend and I need it fast.”_

 

Trusting him, she handed it over. _“I better get this back. It’s not cheap.”_

  
  


He scurried back to the bathroom and Dan seemed surprised that he came back. He noticed the foundation in PJ’s hands and his lips parted as they met eyes. He saw him physically relax and smile a little. _“Thank you,”_ he said softly.

 

 _“It’s a temporary fix.”_ PJ asserted as he took Dan’s arm. _“My name is PJ and you’re my friend now. This means I’m going to be checking on you that you stay clean. I’m so glad you’ve been safe, and I’d like to do what I can to help keep it that way.”_

 

Dan averted his eyes while blushing in embarrassment. The echo of their breathing and a dripping faucet were the only sounds for a moment. _“Did you lose someone?”_ Dan asked.

 

PJ met Dan’s eyes again before his eyes returned to the fragile arm. _“Almost.”_

 

He was brought back to reality as he entered the building and was waved on by the doorman. All of them knew PJ and knew to just let him in. It wasn’t two minutes before two short knocks and a muffled “It’s PJ,” was announced through the door before he let himself in with the key he’d been given in the past in case of emergencies.

 

“Dan,” he closed the door behind him, placed his bag on the table, and knelt alongside the couch. He saw how high the bandages went and grazed his thumb along Dan’s wrist. “How are you feeling now?” His pale eyes searched Dan’s face as though the answer was hidden on his cheek or an eyelash.

 

“Annoyed, I suppose?” His eyes were still locked on Tyler as he spoke.

 

“He’s trying to help.” PJ teased.

 

“That’s what I said!” Tyler exclaimed as he sat up, “Here’s your phone, by the way.” He handed Dan his phone back.

 

PJ, relaxing as he saw he was okay suddenly noticed the temperature and his friend’s bare chest. “Dan, it’s _freezing_ in here, why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” PJ got up and glanced around before spotting the previously discarded garment.

 

Dan opened his mouth to speak when PJ stood and retrieved the hoodie. Dan took it with a nod and a mumbled: “Thanks.”

 

“Well, I’m gonna go bitch at maintenance until they turn the heat back on.” Tyler hopped off the couch. “If you need me, call me.” He opened the door before turning back and pointing at Dan, “No picking!” 

 

“I know.” Dan groaned.

 

Tyler smiled. “Love you, stay safe.” He closed the door behind him.

 

Dan looked at PJ, his pale green eyes had an intensity that rivaled Phil’s. His hands were so gentle and cautious as they helped him into his hoodie. His arms were warm as they made their way around him in an embrace. As he returned the hug and brought PJ closer, he inhaled-- careful not cry again. He smelled of citrus, rain, and, as usual, a hint of weed. 

 

“What do you want to do?” He quietly asked Dan. His voice was soft but rumbled through Dan’s skin and sent goosebumps racing over every inch of his already-chilled body.

 

He thought for a moment before answering. His eyelids were heavy with sleep still and his emotional exhaustion from the phone call was also catching up with him. “Sleep.” He decided, “or maybe pretend I’m an eight year old boy with a race car bed who never left my parents home for more than a night.”

 

PJ chuckled, “Can I join?”

 

Dan nodded in his dazed state and walked to his bedroom. Had he been on guard he would have never invited him in. Since the furniture movers brought the bed and dresser in, no one had stepped foot inside his bedroom. PJ, having never been in this room before, tried his best not to look too interested because he took it as a sign of trust. Dan nodded and crawled under the covers. “Take off your jeans and shirt before you come under. You reek of weed,” he mumbled and lazily gestured towards PJ before he yawned. 

 

He removed his jeans and shirt as he heard Dan’s breathing even out. He took that moment to glance at the shelves on the wall lined with small metal bells. As he stepped closer, he saw they were all from souvenir shops. Some from landmarks, cities, or events. Some people collect spoons or keychains or shirts. Dan, apparently, collected bells. Pinned under one of the bells was a photo of a girl with long brown hair with soft curls laughing as a strangely familiar boy with black hair took the selfie. PJ carefully and quietly nudged the bell off the photo. He picked up the picture and recognized the familiar boy was Phil Lester. The girl looked a bit like Dan. He wondered if maybe it was a photo of Dan’s sister- though he never recalled him mentioning one. He looked back at the sleeping boy and thought of the moment he was wasting by snooping and put the photo back down under the bell. He crawled under the covers and let himself doze next to his favorite boy.

  
  


Tyler was on his way back from the bagel shop next door where he’d previously banished himself to when he noticed he was trying to listen through the wall to see if they were still talking. He was impulsive and nosey but they were things he truly was trying to work on. Instead, he put his pushiness towards something productive. “Well, I don’t understand how you think it’s okay for you to turn the power off on an expensive apartment complex full of folks with money, power, and connections. No, I dont know how power grids work but if its anything like a power fuse then it really shouldnt be this big of an issue, should it? You pay taxes, right? You’ve got an average job. You show up every day and get paid regularly. Who pays you? ….Okay who pays them? Uh huh, and _then_? Oh, you don’t know. Here’s a hint… it’s probably a fat white guy and he probably lives in a building like this one. So let’s pretend for a minute--since my legs are completely frozen now I figure I’ve got time--let’s pretend that guy lived here. He wakes up on a nice Tuesday and his balls are tiny and blue because you and your people turned the power off. Maybe he had a meeting and when he got to work pissed off and cold, he fired someone who missed work due to a sick child. They can’t pay medical bills now. That child dies. Do you- what’s your name again?- Ryan. Ryan, do you want kids to die? Do you-”   Tyler groaned as his another call interrupted his rant with the power company. He looked at the candid shot of Dan glancing up at the sky. “Sorry, Ryan, I have another call. I’ll call you back.” He clicked to answer Dan. “Hey! You okay?”

 

“I’m going to die.”

 

Tyler entered the building and paused before asking: “Is this like a carbon monoxide leak, a cut too deep, or a cry for help? Or is this like the time you called me in crisis because you were high and realized your religious beliefs were actually pagan?”

 

A sigh could be heard through the phone as the doorman waved the blonde through. “It was Druid, and no. I slept with PJ.”

 

“ _WHAT!?_ ” He shrieked as he ran upstairs to his and Dan’s floor.  

 

“Not like _that_!! It was a nap!”

 

“Oh,” he let out a puff of disappointment and slowed his pace to his friend’s apartment. “What’s the problem then?”

 

“He was in my _room_.”

 

“Relax, Dan. What’s the worst he could’ve seen? Just don’t let him back in.” Tyler heard a loud rumbling noise accompanied by some clicking right before he heard Dan yelp. “What’s going on?”

 

“Sorry I just got heat blasted onto my feet from the vent. They turned it back on, I guess.”

 

Tyler smiled. “That’s my new friend, Ryan. He’s so good to me.” He knocked on the door and the panicked boy opened it, “Shut up!” he harshly whispered, “He’s still in here!” He ended the call as the American let himself in.    
  


“Can I see him?”

 

Dan weighed his options. He didn’t want to confront PJ, but he also didn’t want Tyler in his room. If anyone was going to figure out his secret it would be Tyler, and after that phone call to his mother he knew it was only a matter of time.

 

The blonde raised his eyebrows expectantly. 

 

“Yeah,” he sighed defeatedly. “just be quick if you can. He’s asleep” Tyler beamed before the brunette added: “Don’t touch anything!”

 

“Got it.” He replied before strolling down the hall to Dan’s windowless room. He opened the door and noticed the bells. What he found far more interesting was on the opposite side of the room. He noticed a white and blue box next to a shopping bag on the dresser. His nosiness got the better of him. He walked over while reassuring himself he wasn’t touching anything if he was just looking.

 

The bag was filled with a handful of pre-packaged needles and syringes. He hesitated before looking at the box that read:  **_Sustanon ‘250’_ ** with **_(Testosterone Propinate)_ ** directly beneath it. 

 

Everything seemed to hit him like a brick. The lack of baby pictures, the need for privacy while changing (even if he was going to keep his underwear on), the fear of intimacy, the lies, the vague stories from his childhood, all of it. He looked at the other side of the room and saw the bells again. Suddenly he knew Dan’s fascination with Phil Lester might have been more than he ever fathomed.

 

He stepped towards the shelves and saw the picture of the girl and Phil Lester.

 

“Bells For Becca.” He couldn’t help but whisper it out loud. There was a more than likely chance that his closest friend was transgender and he’d never even considered it as a possibility. 

 

He regretted invading Dan’s privacy. He looked at PJ sound asleep on his friend’s bed. “Hey!” He yelled with a clap. He needed this curly boy out of that room before he snooped around too. 

 

The once sleeping boy yelped as he woke from the loud noise. “Tyler?!” 

 

“Get out!”

 

“What? Why are you-?”

 

“GET OUT!” He took the very confused actor by the arm and escorted him out of the room and apartment as Dan hid in the bathroom in mortification.

 

Tyler had a choice to make, he thought as he closed the front door. Would he tell Dan what he saw or ignore what he learned and try his best to continue as normal? That would probably be best seeing as Dan specifically said don’t touch anything. He walked to the bathroom, his hand hovering over the door ready to knock. What would he normally do? What should he do? He was trying his best to be a better person and friend but this secret weighed too much. He couldn’t keep it.

 

“I saw,” he admitted through the door. “I’m sorry for snooping.”

 

There was a silence long enough for the blonde to consider the possibility that Dan couldn't hear him. “Saw what?” he finally replied, his voice shaking.

 

Tyler swallowed nervously. This was his chance to chicken out, but he pushed himself to do the right thing. “The testosterone. And the picture.”

 

“Oh.” Dan debated on never leaving the bathroom.

 

“I understand why you didn’t tell me, but please know that I am not bothered by it.” He felt tears coming, “I’m so sorry for looking. It’s literally what you explicitly told me not to do. I’m a horrible friend, I know. I’m trying, but I know I suck. I just… It was wrong of me.”

 

“You were right, though,” he finally replied.

 

Confused, he went over what he’d just admitted trying to figure out what he meant. He opted for asking: “About what?” 

 

The brunette opened the door. “I’m not asexual.”

  
Tyler grinned. “I told you! I _knew_ it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recently found out I could win "Most Memorable" in the Phanfic awards for #IPreferDan! If you liked it, please consider voting!  
> https://polldaddy.com/poll/8278087/


	4. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Tyler saved Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is a very short one. I recently fell into a seriously dark place that I am currently climbing out of. You guys are wonderful and the comments really do help. I'm sorry for any errors towards the end but I really wanted to get this out today. Or... yesterday seeing as its 3AM haha. 
> 
> What I've learned: People can help you, but "helping" doesn't mean they do it for you. You have to put in at least just as much work.

 

Dan and Tyler moved from the bathroom doorway to the breakfast bar. They hadn’t said much as they waited for the other to say something. Tyler felt his heartbeat in his throat and Dan felt it his in his skull. It was strangely comforting in its repetition. 

 

“Should we order some food?” Tyler blurted.

 

“Yes.” Dan replied just as quickly.

 

He opened his laptop and started their Wagamama order. Minimized in the bottom right corner of his screen was his “Phil” folder. It wasn’t actually titled “Phil” but “bfbfo” instead. He had changed it from “I’m Sorry” to “bfbfo” when he discovered the charity. He considered it a clever acronym for: “Bells For Becca? Fuck off.” The folder was a timeline of sorts outlining their relationship. In the folder he had some of the poems he never sent. He had the long note of what he was going to say to Phil when he came out to him. Under that was the suicide notes he planned to print out that were addressed to Phil, his family, and his handful of friends. 

 

He had expected himself to be terrified but something about the idea of showing all of this to someone was exciting. Showing it to Tyler made him a little emotional as he was the reason the suicide notes were never printed.

 

He stared at the files in front of him and glanced over the screen he hid behind at Tyler who looked back.

 

“You ordered the usual, I guess?” 

 

Dan nodded. “It said 40 minutes.” 

 

Tyler sat across from Dan, “do you want to talk about it?”

 

He looked back at his screen and back at Tyler. “...Sit next to me?”

 

“Oh? Okay.” He moved next to him.

 

“This folder,” he opened it and gestured to the screen, “probably has the answer to whatever you want to ask.”

 

“Do I have a question limit?” 

 

“Um, let’s start with three and see how I feel.”

 

“Fair enough.” Tyler took a deep breath as he thought. “Okay… Okay I got it. Question 1: How long were you alone? Like what’s the time span from when you left home and got here? And like did you have a plan or...? Is that more than one question?”

 

Dan laughed. “Okay, that’s surprisingly non-invasive.”

 

“Dude I’ve had questions since I don’t even know when. I haven’t even had time to think of any trans-related questions.”

 

And there it was. The word Dan had never heard in reference to himself out loud from a friend or loved one. He exhaled the breath that he had unknowingly held and parted his lips. “I… I had been gone two days when you found me outside the theater. I had just gotten my hair cut off and i had binded with my mum’s old spanx cut at the crotch.

 

“Wait- but I’ve seen you topless.”

 

“Do you remember my holiday in march after I moved in?”

 

“Shut up!” He exclaimed. His mouth hung ajar for a moment after as he took a moment to process.

 

Dan nodded as Tyler shook his head in disbelief with a sigh.

 

“I had only arrived in the city the day you saw me outside the theater.” He paused before continuing. “I had gotten a haircut a few hours before you saw me, actually. I was supposed to leave for my gap year so I had a ton of money. I booked a keyhole mastectomy and paid ahead in cash. I had  £903 left on my person in various places in case someone stole my bag.

 

“I had planned to spend the time before the surgery in the city and afterwards…” He choked up a bit, “Afterwards I was going to decide whether or not to kill myself.” He looked away from Tyler. “You were so kind. You asked me if I was lost. I was looking up at the theater when I felt a bit of hope. I was going to audition for a play and if they cast me I was going to stay alive. When you offered me to spend the night at your place, as you saw, I hesitated but something made me say yes. 

 

“When we got inside I started to panic. What if you were a hooker and were expecting me to get naked? What if you were a murderer? Then I saw your studio setup and assumed you were a porn star. All these thoughts running my head suddenly stopped when you offered me your futon.

 

“I changed in your bathroom but left my chest bound under my hoodie. When I came back into the room you were preparing the futon. You saw me and told me to take off my hoodie because your apartment was warm enough that me wearing it wasn’t justified. You didn’t press after I protested, but sometime in the middle of the night I got too hot and took it off. When you woke up I was gone but, as you know, you found me outside the theater for an audition a week later and confessed you’d seen my scars in the middle of the night.”

 

Tyler raised his finger to pause Dan, who nodded. “Confession… I actually went there every day that week hoping to see you again.” 

 

“That explains the coincidence.” He chuckled. “But anyway, I was on my way out after failing to schedule an audition and you confronted me. I was broken inside and ready to off myself. I knew how high a building had to be to guarantee I’d be dead and I knew which one I was going to use but you tapped my shoulder.”

 

Tyler paled. He recalled the confrontation. 

 

That whole week before he ran into Dan the second time he couldn’t get his mind off of the scars. He walked pass that theater three times a day hoping this boy would show up. The scars, they were so fresh and there were so many. He lay there asleep in a tee shirt and they made it all the way passed the sleeves. His breathing had been even but as the brunette lay there Tyler couldn’t help but imagine him dead. 

 

That afternoon Dan was there. He was walking out of the theater looking up towards the gray sky, and Tyler pulled out his camera and took a shot. He looked down at the screen and saw loneliness personified. He zipped the camera back in its case and ran over.

 

_ “Hey! You and me. We gotta talk. No one leaves my apartment before I wake up without a number I don’t call.”  _  Tyler half-joked. He walked Dan over to the bench.  _ “My name is Tyler Oakley, I’m an ex-American and a professional photographer. I’m also gay. I’m used to have an eating disorder. I’m an aries. I let strangers into my apartment and sometimes I don’t even have sex with them. Now you.” _

 

He remembers now that Dan hesitated before introducing himself. He’d passed it off as him being weirded out by the interrogation. On second thought, maybe it was both.  _  “I’m Dan… Howell. I’m currently looking for an apartment. I’m... an actor. I- well I’m a gemini.” _

 

_ “Okay if we’re gonna do this you gotta be more open. Dish.” _

 

_ “Asexual. I’m asexual.” _

 

_ “And?”  _ He pressed. Dan glanced down at his sleeves. Then he looked back at Tyler who gave a knowing look.

 

Dan looked as though he might vomit. Tyler wasn’t sure if he was going to confess but he did. _ “I cut.” _

 

Tyler looked up at the building. He knew the play, and he knew the director liked to be called Daddy when he was fucking Tyler while his wife was away. He didn’t know why he wanted to help Dan so much.  _ “If I were to aid you in this, could you stop?” _

 

He looked confused and a little afraid.  _ “Maybe?” _

 

_ “Could you try?”  _ He encouraged the deal.

 

Dan nodded.  _ “I would.” _

 

_ “Okay do you have experience?” _

 

_ “...Yes.” _

 

_ “Good. That helps. Give me your number.” _

 

_ “I’ve forgotten mine. Give me yours, I’ll text you so you have it.” _

 

Tyler did. Dan texted him immediately.  _ “I’ll let you know when it’s all set up.” _

 

Tyler called that man Daddy that night and let him do a few things he usually said “no” to. He got Dan the audition and he got it.

 

Tyler looked at Dan, his stomach heavy as his thoughts raced at the idea of not approaching him that day. “You were going to kill yourself?” His lips stuttered as he recalled the memory of Dan's raw arms and sleeping self again only this time laying in his blood on the street.

 

Dan took in a short breath, holding back tears. Exposing himself like this was something he'd never done before. All the help from who was, at the time, a total stranger kept him off the roof of a building. He'd gotten him the audition and took headshots and, on the day of the audition, called him and wished him luck. Dan nailed the audition and got the role of a speaking character which started his career. “You basically saved me, Tyler.”

 


	5. Emails and Messages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan shows Tyler the first draft of the email. PJ sends some high texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your support after my notes on the last chapter. I love all of you. I am doing a little better now. xx

As the goosebumps died down a bit Tyler, unable to accept the credit, said: “Dan, _you_ saved you. I just… helped inspire your hope.”

 

Dan nodded softly. “I guess so.”

 

Tyler asked to see the email that started it all. Dan stopped him for a moment before opening a file that was titled: **Draft 1**

 

“This,” he sighed, “is what I should have sent to save all this drama from my life. And yet a darker part of me thinks I should have sent nothing at all and locked the door so that Chris never saved me.”

 

“Don’t worry me.”

 

“I’m sorry. Anyway…” He opened the file.

 

 _Dear Phil Lester,_   
  
_I’m not sure if you read these or if some public relations guy reads them for you but I’ll write in the mindset that this will be you reading. I’ve been watching you since I was a preteen- fuck okay that sounds creepy. You know what I mean right? Your show. I’ve been watching you act on a family friendly sitcom. Um, anyway, I’m just writing this to thank you._   
_  
I’ve struggled with my gender identity since I was 11 and nothing has ever calmed me down like cutting before your voice. I know it’s weird and honestly there’s no way for me to continue this letter without sounding like an attention whore so if you wanna duck out and pretend this got lost in the sea of letters I won’t notice anyway so go for it. I remember I was told by a Chris (my best friend. God bless that fucker.) to watch some movie that was on before your show premiered but I completely missed the movie due to a breakdown related to me seeing my tits in the mirror or my voice or something else that was just stupid to cry over. There’s no actual cure for being trans is there? You could get hormone replacement therapy and pay to cut all the girly stuff off and paste on a franken-dick but at the end of the day your childhood was pink and frilly and you haven’t got any sperm. Sorry that was graphic. Anyway I went to cut as usual and I just heard your voice-over for the first episode… and I just stopped. A few minutes in and I wasn’t crying anymore and I even laughed. You were exactly who I wanted to be. Your hair was so cool and your eyes are just… well I’m sure you’ve seen them before. You were sort of a role model I guess. I looked you up afterwards and watched EVERYTHING you were in (all 4 at the time). I rewatched them when I was upset._  

_You inspired me to try. I started dressing a little more tomboyish. I auditioned for some male roles in the local theater and I actually got a callback for Gavroche in Les Miserables! I didn’t get the role but I got inspired to keep trying. My dream was to co-star with you and maybe be friends. Or maybe more? Haha it’s nice to have dreams._

_You were only 15 when I first heard you and since it’s going to be your 18th birthday next year I figured I’d send you a letter with every cheesy poem I ever wrote. Wait. You don’t like cheese right? Let’s use sappy instead. I wrote these SAPPY poems that are 100% fungus-free. You won’t get most of them since you don’t know me, so you can totally trash them. I just need someone to have them and I really can’t have anyone tip off my parents._   
  
_You have the most beautiful smile and the warmest voice and like a million different eye colors (except one: brown. But don’t worry- I’ve got that color covered with mine). Don’t let anyone ever say a single thing that brings you down because people like you are made of laughter and sunshine. I’m sure you have bad days just like everyone does but please remember you kept me alive for years._   
  
_It’s not your fault I didn’t conquer depression or become a man and all that. Honestly. And 16 years of being a girl is more than enough for me. You’re an inspiration and deserve all things good. So I’m sending this to you in the hopes that any luck and happiness I have left goes straight to you when I hit send._   
  
_Maybe I’ll see you in another life as a boy, if that’s actually a thing? Who knows?_   
  
_Your fan,_ _  
_ Dan Davies

 

Then Dan opened the other file of the one he actually sent.

 

Tyler opened his mouth and for a moment he didn’t say a word. Finally: “You should have sent the first. Why didn’t you?”

 

Dan’s eyes started to water again. “I didn’t want to ruin my family’s memory of me. They deserved that much. Instead, I put the files on a flashdrive and hid it in my friend Chris’ closet. He was the only one I wanted to possibly know.” He took a slow, shaky, breath and said: “When I was packing for my ‘gap year,’” he said adding air quotes, “I asked if I could check his closet for a shirt I’d lost.” He chuckled. “I pocketed the flash drive and grabbed a shirt and asked if it was his- which it was, obviously. And then I hugged him goodbye.” A moment passed before he chuckled. “This is not at all how I expected my coming out to be.”

 

Tyler laughed a little, “This is not how I expected my evening to go.”

 

“What time is it?” Dan glanced at the top right of his screen which read 22:32. “Christ.”

 

“Yeah.” Tyler sighed. “Let’s postpone the next two questions. Can I see your bells?” Dan nodded and they made their way down the hall and Dan ended up crying four bells in as he told the blonde the memories behind the noise. Tyler reminded him he needed to go to work in the morning as people were paying to see the previews of his show tomorrow. “Don’t forget to come straight to my apartment after. No showering! I need you looking exhausted and wrecked for my updated portfolio. I need some good shots! Wear your black jeans. Not the washed ones. Just the plain black denim.”

 

“Yes, Dad.” Dan mocked before laying down. “Show yourself out?”

 

“Quite the gentleman, aren’t ya?” He smirked. “Goodnight, Dan.”

 

“Goodnight, Tyler. Thank you.”

 

Tyler looked back and smiled before leaving the apartment.

 

\---

 

The next morning at Louise’s tourist shop, “Sprinkle Of Glitter,” a bell could be heard as a blonde girl entered through the door. She looked up from arranging the counter at the timid girl and her stack of flyers. “Jamie Jo is that you?” she exclaimed with delight. “It has been far too long. Come on! Give us a hug!” Her arms outstretched as she made her way from the door to the counter. Jamie placed the flyers down and wrapped her arms around Louise.

 

“Sorry, I lost myself in this design for weeks,” she apologized in her small voice. “Tom nearly pushed me out the door today insisting I needed some air.” She broke the hug and picked up the colorful flyer. “Luckily, I’d finished printing them.” She handed it to Louise. “Do you think Phil will like it? Genuinely, I mean. I know he’d never _say_ he didn’t like it but I worry he might not. I know you know him best so…”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, dear.” Louise took a look at the beautiful lilac page that was full of faded swirls and music notes. The center held a bronze bell with a cameo of a girl acting as the shadow. It was beautiful. “This is absolutely stunning, Jamie. I’d check his eyes if he said any different. He’ll love it.”

 

“Thank you,” she said with a smile tucking her hair behind her ear shyly. “I hope so. I haven’t heard back from him but the due date to get the flyers out was yesterday. Has he lost his phone? He used to always answer.” She trailed into a whisper.

 

As talented as she was, her insecurity rivaled it. Phil had given her the job after seeing her sketch in a cafe. He left her a business card with a _“Please call or text as soon as possible.”_ scribbled on the back. Against her instinct she had, and upon finding out he was actually the actor, Phil Lester, and he wanted her to work for him she had to say yes. Still, she never failed to feel starstruck in a room with him.

 

Louise took down the flyer Phil had placed down yesterday and replaced it with the better, finalized one.

 

Before Jamie could notice a flyer had been placed there the day before, her phone buzzed with a “Peep! Peep!” alert tone. She sighed. Louise had never seen the younger girl look so annoyed.

 

“Who’s that?” She asked tossing the other in the bin behind the counter.

 

“PJ with more words about Saint Daniel, I’m sure,” she sneered before catching herself and placing her hand to her mouth. “I’m so sorry, that was so rude.”

 

“Saint Daniel?” Louise chuckled. “I caught him pocketing Maltesers once. I wouldn’t be so eager to praise him that high.” She teased fondly. “It’s fine, Jamie. No censors here. Tell me what Dan’s done now.”

 

“It’s not Dan, it’s PJ! He is always bugging me with his stories about how Dan is _warming up to him_ or _gave him doe eyes_ or looked _so sad_ after PJ noticed new cuts. He insistent that Dan isn’t asexual and truly wants him,” she blurted. Louise was taken aback. “He is _completely_ missing the point of sexual _identity_ . It doesn’t matter if Dan feels sexual _or_ romantic attraction! He identifies as asexual so PJ should respect that! Not to mention he only speaks to me while he’s high and it’s never about anyone or _anything_ but Dan!” She was getting more and more heated as she spoke. “You’d think _knowing_ an asexual person who had a severe self harming issue that he used to say he loved would cause him to back off. But no, he just found another one. It completely baffles me how insensitive he is.” She pulled out her phone to check it and read it out loud in a mocking tone before becoming more serious towards the end.

 

 **PJ** : dan has a bell collection and this weird photo of phil and a girl. Do you think he knows rebecca davies?  

 

Louise felt a lump in her stomach. “Ask if he took a picture.”

 

 **Jamie** : did you take a photo?

 

 **PJ** : No. ill sketch it for you. one moment.

 

“He says he’ll sketch it.” Jamie eyed Louise curiously. “Do you know something?”

 

Louise felt her cheeks go red. Her cheeks always went red when she had to make a hard decision like breaking trust or forming a lie. “Phil…” she went with the truth. “Phil has a photo of him and Rebecca he doesn’t like to share. Only two people have a copy. Him, and Rebecca. Unless Rebecca posted it somewhere or shared it. It’s them in Zoe’s mum’s old shop downtown.”

 

Another “Peep! Peep!” chimed and Jamie unlocked her phone in record time only to find it was not PJ.

 

She glanced back at Louise. “It’s just Chris.”

 

 **Holy Captain Kendall** : guess who got a high text from PJ

 **Holy Captain Kendall** : spoiler: ME!

 **Holy Captain Kendall** : i honestly dont know if i should ask for a hookup if i promise to pretend to be sister daniel or if i should grab a fork and use it to rip his eyeballs from his skull. he seriously needs help.

 **Holy Captain Kendall** : me too apparently after rereading that last text

 

 **Jamie** : When did you change your name in my phone?

 

“He got a text from PJ as well about Dan.”

 

 **Holy Captain Kendall** : why did you introduce me to this man

 

 **Jamie** : He seemed nice at the time.

 

 **Holy Captain Kendall** : have you ever seen Bambie? You are little Bambie.

 

 **Jamie** : Thank you?

 

 **PJ** : <1 image attachment>

 **PJ** : kinda like that

 

Jamie handed the phone to Louise. “It’s her, isn’t it?”

 

“I don’t know.” Her face was red as possible.

 

 **Holy Captain Kendall** : Evan says he wants you to come over and have food with us. Tom is invited too if you two dont get all coupley and make us feel as awkwardly platonic as possible.

 **Holy Captain Kendall** : *WE would like you to come over and have food with us.

 

Jamie laughed. “I have to get going.”

 

“That’s fine. Grab a snack on your way out, if you like.” Louise waved her off, grateful to have not answered. She picked up her phone, ready to inform Phil.

 

Yet she struggled and wondered if she should tell him at all. She instead thought about Dan. She suddenly couldn’t help but think about his mannerisms.

 

Then again, Dan was two years older than Becca was anyway. That was when she realized she had no proof at all that Dan was older because he’d “lost” his papers. She just hired him because he was kind and she paid him cash until he received his replacements weeks later.

 

Phil was currently meeting Becca’s parents. Would she interrupt their day with hope or would it be better if she just let them all move on? She didn’t know. She decided to place her phone down. She wouldn’t say anything until she knew something for sure.

 

As Jamie walked to the tube she opened up the message from PJ and forwarded the message to Phil.

 

 **Jamie** : “My friend PJ found a photo like this in his friend’s apartment. Louise wouldn’t confirm if it was important. I figured you’d like to know. <1 image attachment>

 **Jamie** : also here is the finalized copy of the poster. It’s hanging in Louise’s shop. Please get back to me.

 

\---

Phil’s phone buzzed for a moment before it was completely shut off. He figured he would check the text later seeing as the show was about to begin. He turned to Rebecca’s parents.

 

Earlier, they’d been very understanding and her mother offered to take over the charity as soon as Phil wanted to be done. He asked, jokingly, if she’d be okay starting tomorrow. She said yes in a heartbeat. He said he’d still help with the Radio 1 event, and help her learn the ins and outs.

 

“Thank you Phil, for all of this,” she said with a smile as she turned to look at him. “You’ve been such a blessing.”

 

“I wish I could have helped you two.”

 

She sighed, “She didn’t want to be found. We just have to accept that.”

 

The orchestra began to hum as they readied their instruments.


	6. Mr. Howell-Who-Is-Fantastic-With-Strangers-And-Celebrities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The performance is a success... but it's a bit of a tearjerker. Even the actors cry a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unfamiliar with Les Miserables this chapter may be a struggle at some parts.  
> But here's an example of Dan's song "Empty Chairs At Empty Tables": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fbFj80wqg4  
> I highly recommend the 2012 movie adaptation though. Here's a trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkHHHUk8RCw

 

The performance had begun and yet “Enjolras” had not arrived. PJ had been lucky to have the opportunity to audition through Tyler’s connections. He’d been behind the scenes for years before he finally got his shot.

 

Dan ran around backstage in a panic. Had it been his fault for calling Tyler to have him forcibly remove him from the flat? Had he figured out that Dan didn’t have a penis and decided to never see him again? Was he hurt? Did he die? Dan saw Dodie humming her warm-ups as she touched up her make up. Maybe she knew something. “Where’s PJ?”  

 

He mouth twisted in annoyance. “Probably getting high as usual! I swear if he isn’t dead I will kill him! This is beyond unprofessional!” She fumed.

His heart dropped. “You think he might be?”  

 

“No, Dan-” The orchestra started warming up. The clock was ticking.

 

It was only a moment before Dan saw PJ’s understudy skirt by and rushed into costume. “He’s not coming.” Dodie followed Dan’s eyes to the man getting dressed.

 

“He’s fine Dan. Just irresponsible.” She placed a hand on his wrist. Her eyes narrowed at the texture. She noticed the bandages. “Again?” She said softly. More as a statement than a question. “Remind me to draw a butterfly when we get out of costume.”

 

Dan forced a smile.

 

The director clapped his hands and the cast scurried for the pre-stage routine. “Alright, now that we have an Enjolras is here…” He went on but Dan couldn’t help but feel distracted. He couldn’t keep up with what the director was saying until, “... And we a famous face in the audience today so you all should be on top of your game. Phil Lester has a huge event coming up soon and if he mentions this musical I’d love for it to be a positive review.”

 

“You’re joking.” Dan accidentally said out loud.

 

The director chuckled. “No pressure, Mr. Howell.”

 

The beginning of the performance swam by before Dan needed to be on stage.

 

Phil sat in the audience alongside Mr. and Mrs. Davies. Their seats were right towards the front and he could see the sweat dripping off of Jean Valjean. They made eye contact at one point.

 

He tried to focus but it was hardly a distraction from the thoughts racing through his head about Rebecca. He felt like Javert in his pathetically endless search and yet Jean Valjean was always under his nose.

 

Jean Valjean scooped up Cosette and the melody for “Look Down” began as actors swarmed the stage. As the drums picked up their pace the world faded and Dan became Marius. However, there was a notable difference in the chemistry between him and PJ’s understudy. And although it wasn’t as strong, the looped story he found himself in every time he stepped on that stage swallowed him as it always did.

 

As Dodie and him met center stage his lips parted and his identity was gone. “ _Hey, Eponine, what’s up today? I haven’t seen you much about._ ”

 

“ _Here you can always catch me in.”_ Her voice bounces back in the flawless rhythm they always fell into.

 

“ _Mind the police don’t catch you out!”_

 

Phil’s eye’s fixed on Marius. He recalled that was the boy who worked for Louise in the past. His voice was like a wave against a cliff: raw, lucid, and beautiful. It was the kind of singing voice you felt in your chest as it erupts from their lungs. All Phil could think was: This actor is timeless. He was definitely going to try and meet him after the show.

 

During intermission Mrs. Davies turned to Phil and said: “I’d completely forgotten to tell you! That boy,” She gestured to the now empty stage before specifying, “the one who plays Marius, he called my phone yesterday on accident! He offered us tickets. He was trying to reach his mum. Isn’t that strange?”

 

“It is…” He said thoughtfully, “he used to work for Louise’s shop.”

 

“Did he? Such a sweet woman. I’d love to meet him afterwards, if you don't mind.”

 

“Not at all! I was thinking the same.”

 

Mr. Davies was quiet through all of the intermission.

 

The show blurred by until Dan’s solo, _Empty Chairs At Empty Tables_. He’d always connected to this song. It wasn't really his situation at all, but the theme of your loved ones suffering and feeling guilty for being alive and well was relatable. His voice rose as he gave his most passionate performance yet.

 

If Phil was in the crowd, this was probably the day his parents would be there as well. They sat in the crowd as he belted his apologies leaving his heart beating in his throat.

 

As Cosette ran onto the stage, the concern in her eyes seemed as genuine as his emotional solo. He quickly fell back into Marius and it wasn’t long before the show came to an end and they went for their bows. Dan’s talent was well noticed by the crowd who’d given him the loudest applause before Jean Valjean’s actor bowed.

 

He started to break down after he walked off the stage with the cast. He then proceeded to get out of costume in record time. He scrubbed his makeup off with wet wipes and then as he went to put on his shirt someone grabbed his bandaged arm. “ _Daniel!_ ” Dodie exclaimed. “Stop ignoring me!”

 

“Sorry!” He jumped, his eyes were wide with panic. “I didn't hear-”

 

“What’s going on?” Her voice calmed with concern and she let go. His eyes welled up. He shook his head. “Is this about Phil? You were phenomenal. I doubt he has a negative thing to say.”

 

Dan shook his head and closed his eyes. His breathing was erratic. He needed to cut. His hand subtly grazed his bandages. “I need to go home.”

 

“Mr. Howell!” The director interrupted. “Excuse my intrusion, but Phil Lester and his guests would like to meet with you when you're ready. Fantastic work tonight. Absolutely fantastic.” He pat the doorframe twice before making his way out.

 

“Th-Thank you,” he nodded the director left.

 

“See! He wants to meet you! Go make babies.” Dodie handed him his shirt and he smiled, dimple shying its way in his cheek.

 

“Maybe not.” He chuckled, putting it on. He grabbed his hoodie and went to pull it over his head as well when she stopped him. She took his hand and pulled out a sharpie.

 

“Sit down.” She commanded. He did and she took the marker to his bandage and began to draw a butterfly. “This butterfly is named Dodie after me. If you want to cut you will see her and remember to _call me this time._ ” She drew curly antennas on the polka-dotted butterfly. “Now,” she looked up at the sweaty and curly-fringed mess. “You are Daniel James Howell. You are the most fantastic actor i know. If you can't go out there you need to become someone who can because this is _your_ moment. I need you to do this. So if you can't do it, become ‘Mr. Howell-Who-Is-Fantastic-With-Strangers-And-Celebrities,’ okay?” She smiled.

 

He paused and considered it. Maybe acting was the way to get through this. He slowly nodded before saying: “That's not a bad idea.”

 

“Go get’em.” She pat his shoulder proudly.

 

He put on his hoodie and they had a quick hug before he made his way through the doors. His heart immediately felt like a brick and fell through to his stomach. There he was. _Phil Lester_. He was taller than Phil now, he noted dissociatively to maintain his sanity. Behind him, he noticed, were his parents. They were older. His father’s hair was thinning a bit. His mother’s skin was losing a bit of elasticity. They looked like they’d been under a lot of stress. They were stressed because...  He couldn't do this. They were staring at him. He closed his eyes and took a breath. He summoned Mr. Howell-Who-Is-Fantastic-With-Strangers-And-Celebrities again. “Phil Lester, they weren't joking,” he feigned an impressed expression. “Sorry for the wait.”

 

“That's alright.” Phil reached out his hand. They touched. Something about this felt like deja vu to Phil. Those eyes. They looked like Becca’s eyes. Those lips… He was sure it was only because he was giving up the charity and she was on his mind.  His brain was _looking_ for her still. Clearly this was a man in front of him. An attractive man, but definitely a man. Then again that fringe...

 

Dan retrieved his hand and extended it towards his mother. “Dan Howell.” His mother took his hand timidly.

 

“Pleasure.” She smiled, flustered.

 

“Ah! Sorry. This is Mr. And Mrs. Davies.” Phil chimed in, flustered.

 

He looked towards his father. As their eyes met Dan noticed that his father looked as though he were looking at a ghost. “You look just like…”

 

Dan’s world was crumbling. Was this it? He was recognized. He knew it. His father knew. “Sorry?” he forced a confused look on his face. He hoped it was convincing. He was pretty sure his legs were shaking. Ironic how he sang in front of London most nights and here he was in front of a middle-aged couple, shaking.

 

His father shook his head. “Nevermind, sorry. I’m Michael Davies. My wife, Karen, received a call from you the other day.”

 

“Ah! Yes! That was you!” Dan hoped he didn’t look as though he physically relaxed at the dismissal of the recognition.

 

“You are a true talent. I’m sure your parents are very proud,” his father added. “Were they able to come?”

 

“No, I couldn’t reach them.” Dan couldn’t let himself cry. “Thank you, though. I appreciate it.”

 

“Not at all.”

 

Dan glanced back at Phil who wouldn’t stop staring. This was good, he reminded himself. This meant Phil couldn’t place him. He was remembering though, so Dan needed to duck out quick.

 

“Thank you guys so much for your support. We really appreciate it. I’m so glad you enjoyed the show. I must be going though.”

 

“Wait!” Phil finally exclaimed. “Can I get a picture?”

 

 _Fuck._ “Of course.” Dan stood next to him and Phil lifted it at a selfie angle.

 

Phil had to try. He needed to see if they were the same. He wrapped his arm around Dan and nudged a rib where he knew Becca was ticklish. If he didn’t laugh, he could move on. If he did…

 

Dan felt the poke and twitched with a laugh. His face went red and his dimple poked in.

 

 _The dimple_.

 

Dan knew it was over. He looked at Phil. Phil knew. Maybe he didn’t know how or why but he knew. If he knew, his parents would know.

 

There was a silence.

 

“It was great meeting you all but I really should get going.”

 

“You as well.” His father nodded him. “Great work. You’re remarkable.”

 

Dan scurried out.

 

Phil stood there with his eyes on the door. Alongside him, he heard Karen start to cry. “She doesn’t want to be found,” she whimpered. “I spoke to her on the phone and I brushed it off as a stranger. She doesn’t want to be found.” She sat down on the floor and cried. “I shook my daughter’s hand just now. I thought...” she sobbed, “I thought she was dead. I don’t know what hurts more.”

 

Phil didn’t know what to do. He’d always imagined he’d find her and talk to her and get her to come home. They’d yell and cry but in the end they’d be together. But here she… he. Here _he_ was.

 

And there he went.

 

He opened his phone to check the picture but saw he had a message.

 

 **Jamie** : “My friend PJ found a photo like this in his friend’s apartment. Louise wouldn’t confirm if it was important. I figured you’d like to know. <1 image attachment>

 **Jamie** : also here is the finalized copy of the poster. It’s hanging in Louise’s shop. Please get back to me.

 

He opened the picture. Becca… _Dan_ still had the picture. He kept it. That must mean something.

 

He turned to Karen and Michael. “What do we do?”

 

Michael shook his head. “It’s up to… him. It doesn’t matter. Girl, boy, inbetween. I’d like… him to come to us. However, if you want to,” he gestured aimlessly, “I don’t think we’d mind, would we?”

 

“Why didn’t I hug her? Why did I just _stand there_ . My **_baby_ ** , Michael! _Our_ baby!” She cried. “How did we not _know?_ ”

 

Phil was shaking. He read the message again before typing his own.

  


**Phil** : The cameo bell is beautiful. I love it.

 

 **Phil** : Can the three of us meet? You me and your friend?

 

 **Phil** : I just met Dan at Les Miserables. He’s Becca. I don’t know if she knows that I know. But I need to meet her again. If your friend can connect us… I’d really appreciate it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Les Miserables (2012), the actor who plays Marius recently played Lili Elbe in The Danish Girl. Which is kind of what inspired me to have Dan play this role.  
> The Danish Girl is a story about the first transgender woman to undergo sexual-reassignment-surgery in the early 1900's.  
> You can watch a trailer for that here (and then watch the movie 8 million times, like me): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d88APYIGkjk


	7. Exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING!! TRIGGER WARNING!! TRIGGER!! WARNING!!**  
>  there is a bloody cutting episode in this chapter. I will write spoilers in the notes for those who do not want to be triggered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT WISH TO READ THE TRIGGERING CHAPTER**  
>  Jamie Jo gets the text from Phil.  
> Chris and Evan also see the text.  
> Chris thinks of his childhood friend Becca and leaves the room.  
> Jamie and Evan decide to throw a get-together so Phil can get closure with Dan without Dan feeling cornered.
> 
> Dan hesitates on cutting his arms and cuts his thighs instead.  
> Tyler finds him after he himself has a panic attack.  
> They go to Tyler's studio and take photos.  
> They receive word of the party.  
>  **/end spoilers**

Jamie’s phone vibrated with a “Peep! Peep!” across the room as she washed dishes.

 

“Jamie stop tidying,” Chris sighed without looking up from his phone as he sat at the table scrolling through tumblr. “This isn’t your house.” 

 

“It’s no trouble,” Jamie replied, her voice barely loud enough to be heard over the running water. 

 

“Is she seriously cleaning- Jamie! Chris why are you just sitting there?” Evan exclaimed as entered the room. “I was gone for like 5 minutes!”

 

Jamie’s phone continued to “peep” and Chris glanced at it before looking twice and picking it up. His eyes widened. “Jamie. Jamie! Jamie is this  _ actually _ Phil Lester? He…” He read the message in his head, going over and over the sentence in his head. Becca. His  _ best friend _ growing up… she... “Is he actually-?”

 

“What?” Evan raised an eyebrow. “Are you okay?” He asked as Chris wordlessly stood and walked passed the American boy to his room placing the phone on the counter.

  
  


Evan glanced back at Chris as he shut his door. “Okay…” he glanced at Jamie, “It says: ‘ _ I just met Dan at Les Miserables. He’s Becca. I don’t know if she knows that I know. But I need to meet her again…’ _ ...is this a joke?” 

 

She stood frozen in place. Evan was well aware that her anxiety had been on edge as she waited for ‘her boss’ to text back. 

 

“Jamie?” He approached her carefully.

 

She was shaking. “All this time I complained about Dan and… I’ve been helping this Dan’s family find their child nearly every waking moment.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I was invited to so many gatherings where he’d be there and I purposely avoided them because of PJ. If I just  _ looked _ at him for more than a  _ second… _ I would have known. I would have  _ recognized… _ This could have been over in a year.” She turned off the faucet.

 

“You can’t honestly be beating yourself up over this, Jamie,” Evan said softly, “If he’s a transgender runaway or whatever he  _ definitely _ did not want to be found. All that matters now is that Phil can  _ finally _ get some closure,” he sighed. “Speaking of, I might need to get a new job if the charity doesn’t need anyone managing the funding anyone.”

 

Jamie looked at him. “Do you think he’ll close the charity? There are so many other families-”

 

“I think we should host a party.” He interrupted. “That way Phil doesn’t come on too strong.” Her wide eyes nearly fell out of her head in fear. “Come on, it’s not a  _ horrible _ idea. We don’t want Dan to feel cornered.”

 

She chewed her lip. “I’ll talk to Louise.”

 

Back at Dan’s apartment he paced looking at the butterfly. He shouldn’t. He  _ really _ shouldn’t. If the director found out he was cutting again he’d get a stern talking to and be “ _ on watch _ ” as they called it. He managed to get away with it today but he didn’t want to push his luck. He took off his clothes to take a shower hoping the burn of the water would help calm him a bit. As always, he avoided looking in the mirror. He sat waiting for the shower to warm and looked down at his legs. He’d never cut  _ there _ before. It was too close to his…  _ area. _ He couldn’t disappoint Dodie, but he had to cut. It was unavoidable in his head. He felt the panic begin again and opened the cabinet beneath the sink. He reached his hand behind the pipe and grabbed the x-acto knife he kept there for emergencies like this.

 

He took a breath and had a small countdown in his head.

 

3...

 

2...

 

1...

 

He slashed the first one with a hard force. The angle was strange but he kept going. Faster and faster as the blood peaked out like small red dewdrops early in the morning. They grew thicker into tears mirroring the ones now streaming down his face. He thought of Phil. He thought of the tickle. He thought of his parents. Countless angry lines bleeding and bleeding as Dan sobbed: “ _ Why am I like this?! _ ” 

 

He dropped the knife with a light clang to the floor. His heart-rate slowed but the bloody mess in front of him made him feel worse. It dripped onto the light blue tiled floor. He heard his phone start ringing in the other room and he let it go to voicemail. This, he knew, was always a bad idea. He grabbed the ointment and bandages and began to wrap his leg tightly. He never wrapped up scars as well as Tyler and this new location made it harder.

 

There was a rapid knocking on the door as Dan recalled he was supposed to go to Tyler’s straight after the show. Tyler was probably freaking out. He looked at his surroundings and  panicked. He wasn’t done. 

 

“ _ DAN! _ ” Tyler called through the door. His voice was more concerned than upset. Dan locked the bathroom door. He continued to call and Dan hopped into the bathtub and turned the water on. He saw the blood tint the water as it began to rise.

 

The calls for him ceased and Dan cringed at the idea of the doorman breaking in and seeing a bloody bathtub. He unplugged the drain and stuck a towel between his legs and ran to his room. He threw on underwear and a t-shirt before hopping under his covers in his room and feigning sleep with a bloody towel between his thighs.

 

He heard the door unlock and called in his most convincing tired-voice: “Hello?”

 

“ _ Dan! _ ” Tyler ran to Dan’s bedroom and crushed him in a hug. “Please talk to me. Why didn’t you answer your phone? Are you okay?” He looked at him deep in the eyes. Their staring contest was intense and they both sported wet eyes. “You’re not okay. What happened? Why are you wet?”

 

“I-I took a bath.”

 

Tyler took one of Dan’s arms in his hand, still wrapped. He checked the other, still wrapped at well. “Did you cut?” Dan hesitated before Tyler continued frantically. “Where?”

 

“I didn’t-”

 

“You did.” His face showed no signs of gullibility. “I  _ know _ you. Where?”

 

Dan felt his heart fall to his stomach and started to cry. He scooted up to Tyler who hugged him and he told him what happened.  _ Everything _ . 

 

Dan threw on boxer-briefs as the blonde looked away and tried his best not to glance. 

 

Tyler was patching up Dan’s thighs while his curly brown hair air-dried into a mess. He was so close to his crotch and they were both doing their best to ignore that, but Dan continued to shake as he held in tears.

 

“Sorry.” Dan said in the smallest voice.

 

“I understand.” Tyler replied, softly. “I don’t  _ approve, _ but I understand.”

 

“You didn’t get to do the photoshoot.”

 

“Oh you’re funny,” Tyler barked a laugh. “As soon as I’m done we are going down to my apartment.” 

 

“Tyler-”

 

Tyler looked up at Dan. “You gave me a fucking  _ panic attack _ . I get my raw, gorgeous, shots  _ today, _ Mr. Howell.”

 

His dimple poked through as he started to smile. He wasn’t sure how this flamboyant boy always managed to make him to that.

 

“There we go.” The American lightly slapped the bandages. “Let’s go.”

 

Tyler’s living room was also his studio. There were random chairs and benches with assorted props. He grabbed the end of a gray quilted chaise and dragged it in front of the white studio background and looked at Dan. He took a breath before saying: “Okay, if you don’t mind, strip to your boxer-briefs.”

 

Dan reluctantly nodded and obeyed. 

 

“So, I’m gonna need to loosen your arm bandages so they sort of dangle and your scars peak out,” he fussed with them and Dan blushed. Tyler saw this, “You know you can back out, right? This is  _ your _ body, not just my portfolio.”

 

Dan admitted. “You’re really good. I want to see how you see me.”

 

Tyler nodded. “You get the final approval on where they go. Trash or portfolio. Your call.”

 

Dan knew the routine, lay on the chaise and be himself. He felt exposed in a strange way. It wasn’t good or bad, it was the sensation of a comfortable cage in a spacious room. Being observed. He stretched out at one point and heard Tyler take in a gasp and several clicks followed.

 

Just then Tyler and Dan’s phones “ding-ed” at the same time.

 

**Evan:** small party tomorrow night. you guys in?

 


	8. Enrique Hodgkins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris confronts Dan.

Phil had also received a text from Evan about the party.

 

**Evan:** We’re throwing a party and inviting Dan. Please dont scare him away, try and get to know him for who he is now. A lot can change in 5 years.

 

He hadn’t replied.  _ “Dan. Him. His.” _ He read over and over. What did he even know about transgender people? He had to get to know “Dan” before approaching the “Becca” situation.

 

“Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan. Dan.” He repeated to himself. He thought back to when they went back to his place for the first time.

 

_ “Wow!” Becca said in awe looking up. “Your ceilings are so high.” _

 

_ “My parents,” Phil said as a sort of disclaimer. “I’m not a superstar, they’re wealthy, is all.” Becca nodded, unable to take her eyes away from the detailed molding where the walls met the ceiling. “Do you want tea, or...?” She shook her head. He chuckled. “Come on, I’ve got Mario Kart upstairs.”  _

 

_ Her mischevious eyes met his. “Are you sure? I will definitely kick your ass, you know.”  _

 

_ He grabbed her waist, bringing her in close and wiggling her fingers into her ribcage causing her to screech before giggling and wiggling like mess. “Such a misguided little girl.” He teased. “Let’s get my little maiden upstairs.” And he scooped her up bridal style upstairs. “We’ll see who’ll be kicking who’s ass!” _

 

Phil recalled she pulled a half smile. He thought it was related to him belittling her or catching her with her guard down. Maybe it had been gender-related? Everything was different now. He had to repeat  _ “Dan, he, him, his,” _ over and over. If he kept thinking of  **_him_ ** as Becca he was sure to give away that he knew. On top of that, offending  **_him_ ** was the last thing he wanted to do.

 

He looked at the picture on his phone. The ticklish smile Dan had in it made him blush. He was  _ so _ beautiful. Even now.

 

Over in Tyler’s apartment Dan sighed. “I’m not a huge fan of parties.”

 

“Yeah, I know, but we’re going anyway. You need some stress relief and you’ve been  _ dying _ to play Mario Kart 8 since you last grabbed a controller.”

 

Dan thought very hard about this until he heard the click of the camera. “I thought the photoshoot was done.”

 

“It was, until you pulled that timeless face.” Tyler smirked. “You are going to get me a Pulitzer someday, Mr. Howell,” he mumbled as he scrolled through the thumbnails on his camera.

 

The brunette laughed. “You always say that, but those aren’t usually photos of emo white boys.”

 

Tyler looked up from his camera with a stern look. “Stop calling yourself Emo,” he said firmly. The finality in his tone assured Dan that the discussion was over.

 

Dan sighed again.

 

Back in Chris’ room he paced back and forth, glancing at a picture of him and Becca from… probably 10 years ago, he estimated. They were so young. He thought back to Becca and their friendship. He went over their friendship over and over. Her now being a  _ “ _ **_he_ ** _.” _ Becca was a boy, and it made sense. Dan fucking Howell. He laughed. Daniel was the name he always picked for his Ken dolls. Chris was always more fond of playing Barbie than Dan was.

 

He couldn’t believe his competition with PJ all these years was his best friend. Best friend. He had to see him. He had to get answers. He grabbed his jacket off the back of his door and left his room.

 

On the way to exit the apartment he saw Evan catch him in the corner of his eye and run over. “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” He blocked the doorway. “Where are you going?” 

 

“PJ’s,” he lied.

 

Evan studied him, clearly not believing him. He knew there was no stopping Chris so he stepped aside. “Okay.”

 

“Thanks, Dad.” Chris mocked.

 

“Sorry.” Evan scoffed before walking back to the frantic Jamie as she talked to Louise who was loud enough that you could hear her excitement on the phone from across the hall.

 

Chris scrolled through his messages with PJ and found an invitation he’d denied from a month ago to come over Dan’s for a couple drinks and some weed. He walked up to the building and looked up at the windows. The doorman approached him.

 

“Sir, can I help you?” The doorman asked suspiciously.

 

Chris hesitated before confidently saying: “I’m here to see Dan. Dan Howell? He doesn’t know I’m coming.”

 

“I’ll ring him, what’s your name?” He let Chris in, always pleased to see Dan get visitors. Everyone was a little worried about Dan’s lack of a social life.

 

Chris thought back to their childhood games, thinking of a friendly reference. He remembered the other Ken doll they played with that Chis always played: “Enrique Hodgkins.” 

 

The doorman raised an eyebrow suspiciously before dialing, which was forwarded to Dan’s mobile phone. Dan answered, “Hey, I’m alright now. Tyler’s got me.”

 

“I’m glad, but that’s not why I’m calling. You have a visitor, Enrique Hodgkins?”

 

Dan felt the color leave his face. He remembered back to playing Barbie with his best friend. How Enrique and Daniel would make out and Barbie would be FURIOUS. They ended up decapitating her on accident and she had that strange neck lump after they smushed her head back onto her neck. But the only one who knew that name was Chris. His old best friend.

 

Dan quickly tossed the phone at Tyler, who caught it in surprise with a confused look. He raised a brow for an explanation from the brunet. “Chris!!! It’s Chris!” He said in a panicked whisper.

 

Tyler’s jaw dropped, recalling that was Dan’s old best friend.  _ Word spreads fast. _ He thought to himself before asking: “Do you want to see him?”

 

“I don’t know?” He looked at Tyler who knew this was one of the  _ “You decide!”  _ moments. 

 

“Hey, send him up. Dan’s not dressed so have him take the stairs up and he will be by then.” Tyler told the doorman with a smile, gesturing for Dan to get assembled.

 

Dan’s eyes were wide as he got dressed. “What do I say to him?”

 

Tyler gave him back his phone and helped re-tighten his bandages. “Well I’m sure he has questions. Be honest and remember: he was your  _ best friend.  _ He’s probably hurt, yeah, but I’m sure he’s happier that you aren’t dead.”

 

They took the elevator up a flight to Dan’s floor and walked into his apartment. Dan paced for less than a minute before there was a knock. Tyler wordlessly walked to the door. He opened it and looked Chris up and down. “Dan did you only hang out with giants?”

 

Dan chuckled. He appreciated Tyler so much for breaking the ice.

 

The American stepped aside and the two brunettes met eyes. Chris took him in as he approached him. He’d seen pictures from PJ’s texts before, of course, but he never looked at him with Becca on his mind. His eyes, his lips, his curly hobbit-like hair that he knew was recently wet just by looking at it. 

 

“Dan,” he mumbled before making his way up to Dan wrapping his arms around him tightly. Dan, shocked but emotional, returned the hug. Chris squeezed tighter as he began to cry.

 

Time stopped. The tears wet through his shirt onto his skin. The wet sensation made it real. Chris was here and hugging him and for the first time, Dan was glad to be found.  _ Chris was here. _ And most of all, Dan was glad to be alive.

 

“Chris,” Dan finally uttered.

 

His friend was shaking. “I thought you were dead. You didn’t- I thought-” his sentences were interrupted by sobs and he finally, to Dan’s shock, pushed him away. His stomach twisted at the shove, though the push didn’t hurt as much the action did. He didn’t know what to say. Chris had every reason to think Dan had killed himself. He almost did. 

 

Dan had many attempts in his past. A few where Chris had discovered him and called 999.  “Why didn’t you tell me?! We were so close? Weren’t we? Just tell me why-?!” His voice cracked. “I love you so fucking much you  _ moron!”  _ He cried, panting. There was a thick silence. Dan didn’t know how to answer the question. 

 

“We were. I don’t-” Dan started.

 

“Platonically- to clarify.” He interrupted, unable to hold back a smile at the awkward statement. A little angry he couldn’t be angry looking at Dan. He wanted to be mad.

 

Tyler sat at the breakfast bar, giving them privacy.

 

Dan cracked a smile at the last comment. “Sit?” Chris saw what PJ saw. The smile on the masculine version of his best friend was irresistible to the untrained eye. Had he not known this was his best friend, he might’ve fallen for him too. He saw the bandages peek through Dan’s sleeve. His heart clenched knowing that Dan never stopped cutting.

 

Chris sat down on the couch next to Dan as  He took a deep breath. “Explain.”

 

Dan opened his laptop that sat on the coffee table and told him what he told Tyler. The email, the unreturned phone call and texts, the flash drive, the plan to kill himself, Tyler, acting. All of it.

 

“You never left a shirt in my closet.” Chris shook his head. He looked back at Dan. “You’re hot you know. And your voice weirds me out. Like, it’s you, yeah. But it’s so  _ Morgan Freeman _ .”

 

Tyler cackled from the breakfast bar.

 

“Stop eavesdropping!” Dan called back to the blonde.

 

“Sorry, sorry,” he waved them along to continue. He had no intention to stop listening, but his apology for laughing was genuine.

 

“I’m not  _ nearly _ that low.” He turned back to Chris and commented.

 

“Is that your roommate or boyfriend or...?” He asked cautiously. Tyler laughed again.

 

Dan rolled his eyes before smiling fondly at the American. “That’s Tyler.”

 

Chris’ head whipped around and he got up and ran over. “Can I hug you?” Tyler opened his arms and Chris went in for it. “Thank you so much.”

 

“I had no Idea what I’d done.” It was true. He had no idea the weight of what stopping and talking to him had meant. You never know what such a small act can do to change a person’s life. 

 

He unlocked his iPhone and showed Chris the picture he’d taken that fateful day. Dan looking up at the theater in the lights. Dan was still feminine in the photo, not nearly as masculine as he looked now.

 

They caught up and Chris told Dan about the charity and how his roommate is in charge of the finances and how all of his closest friends work for the charity. How he’d never actually met Phil. At first it was out of spite, but now it was more of a ton of  _ “You just missed him!”  _ situations.

Chris spent the night and saw the show the next day with Tyler. PJ had been suspended until after opening week. Dan avoided Dodie who definitely noticed she was being avoided.

 

After the show she approached Dan and cornered him. “Did you cut?” she blatantly asked.

 

Dan was pleasantly surprised this wasn’t about the  _ “Becca” _ situation. “Y-yeah. Thighs.” He said awkwardly. “Sorry.” 

 

She hugged him tightly. “Did it go poorly with Phil?” She looked up at him, heartbroken for him.

 

Dan decided it was now or never. He pulled her into the warm-up room and locked it. He told her.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me!” She exclaimed. “I could have helped with an alibi! I had no idea! You pass so well.” She glanced down, he felt exposed. “Do you...?”

 

“No. Do you?” He retorted.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“It’s fine, sorry. I’m new at telling people, I just,” he sighed. “This is why. It’s  _ the look _ .” 

 

Dodie looked a little ashamed. “So your parents? Did they like the show?”

 

Dan nodded with a small smile. “Yeah.”

 

“Do they know?” 

 

“I don’t know. Chris and Tyler saw it just now, I have to see what he thought.”

 

“Tyler’s here!?!” She said excitedly. “Can I come see?”

 

He laughed and gestured for her to follow him. They walked out and Tyler beamed. “Are you Dodie?”

 

“You’re Tyler?” Dodie squeaked. “Oh my god we’ve taken way too long to meet!” She hugged him tightly.

 

“Right!? We kept missing each other!” He laughed, hugging back.

 

Chris looked at Dan in awe. “You were phenomenal!”

 

Dan’s chest felt warm with pride. He couldn’t believe how validating that felt. “Thank you.”

 

Tyler interrupted whatever Chris was about to say with: “So, party time? You should totally come, Dodie.”

  
And off they went.


	9. Pregaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan hides in the bathroom because everyone knows... well. All but one.
> 
> ((Forgive me for this short one, but if I didnt upload now it wouldn't happen for quite a bit longer. I'm horrible like that.))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been in quite a slump lately. Full-disclosure to my readers I am 42 days sober. I'm in AA and everything. It's quite difficult to write the most important scene with all of these characters drinking and PJ being... PJ. If I didn't post this I was afraid I'd put it off longer. Your comments really do make a difference and I really appreciate it. Please dont be upset with me.

After hours of panic and preparation, Evan and Jamie opened the door to the well-decorated flat. Dan looked around at all of the decorations that Jamie had made. Chris, after making a comment about how Jamie should just "move in already," wanted to praise them on how they’d managed to make a fantastic un-birthday party in less that 24 hours. He decided not to because he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to “out” that it wasn’t exactly planned.

 

Chris was eager to get Dan to begin drinking from the moment he walked through the doors. That should have been Dan’s first clue. He would have declined the blue drink, but Jamie had filled the ice cube tray with a bunch of different little figurines so it looked like they were trapped in the ice. When the ice melted they would just drown. After all, how could anyone say no to a free tiny figurine?

 

He sipped on his blue drink… Then a yellow one… Then another blue one because it was better than the yellow one. Dan wouldn’t _call_ himself a lightweight. In fact, he would inform those who did that his body just liked to have fun faster than everyone else’s did.

 

Tyler had pulled out Cards Against Humanity for their “Get-Drunk-Quick” game (or as he called it “Catch-Up-With-Dan” game). Whoever won the round took a shot, and whoever lost the round also took a shot.

 

They knew they had to stop after the 8th round where Tyler read: “What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?”

 

Jamie: Amputees

Chris: Edible underpants

Evan: The profoundly handicapped

Dodie: Concealing a boner

Dan: Coat hanger abortions

 

Dan laughed so hard tears formed in his eyes. He felt his stomach twist as he laughed. He felt a burning hiccup and covered his mouth as he scrambled up, stumbling, as he ran to the bathroom.

 

“Let’s get him some water,” Tyler said as he made his way to the tap.

 

“Where’s _P. H. I. L._ , Jamie?” Dodie whispered towards the mousey blonde.

 

“I’m pretty sure he can still spell.” Chris teased as he lightly elbowed her, spilling his cup a little.

 

Dodie playfully shoved him back with her shoulder, but continued: “He’s an hour late!”

 

Retching noises could be heard from the bathroom when Tyler opened the door with his cup of water. “Just breathe, Dan,” he cooed as the door shut.

 

Jamie checked her phone. The anxiety of having this handful of people in her home-away-from-home was beginning to become too much. She saw a little red 1 over her messages icon and tapped open Phil’s thread. “He said he was coming and-” Another text arrived as she read. “Oh! He just said he’s here.”

 

Three knocks on the door were heard and Jamie answered it. There, towering over her, was Phil. “Hi!” She smiled, stepping out of the way. Her heart hammered in her chest at the presence of her idol. “I’ll get you a drink. He’s… well.” She gestured to the bathroom. “He doesn’t know you’re coming,” she mumbled.

 

“Sorry?” He asked.

 

“We didn’t tell him because… He gets anxiety at parties already so…” She poured him a very strong drink. “Cheers?” She smiled weakly.

 

Phil sighed, taking a long sip. “He’s going to freak.”

 

“Yup!” Chris chimed from across the room.

 

Jamie bit her lip. Dan and Tyler emerged from the bathroom. Dan’s face turned a pale green at the sight of Phil. He turned around and walked back into the bathroom. “Fuck. Really? A head’s up would have been-” Tyler tried to open the locked door. “Dan!!” He banged on it. “I know you’re faking! There’s literally no way there is any stomach acid left!”

 

Inside the bathroom Dan was sure he was having a panic attack. He paced back and forth opening his phone. He opened his speed dial list and saw the only person not at the party yet was PJ. Had he been invited? Dan wondered. He hit the number and brought the phone to his ear.

 

“I’m almost there, sorry. I got distracted.” He heard PJ pant through the phone. His voice was soothing and he thought of his chest heaving. Panting. Flushed cheeks and dilated pupils.

 

Dan realized he was still drunk. Vomiting doesn’t mean drunkenness goes away. “I wish you didn’t smoke,” he said before the words even processed. “It makes you different. Why didn’t you go to work? I missed you. I need you here. Everyone knows. I hate it.” His hands were wandering the bathroom objects. He’d become quite fascinated by the hairbrush. The hair was brown. Was this Chris’ hairbrush?

 

“Are you drunk already?” He heard PJ laugh and his heart fluttered. “Dan, it’s only half-seven. Everyone knows what?” He slyly avoided the work question.

 

Tyler pounded on the door. “I’m with PJ!” Dan yelled.

 

“ _Ouch!_ ” PJ winced on the other end of the line.

 

“You have 5 minutes before I get worried and bust through!” Tyler called through the door.

 

“Yes, Dad.” Dan laughed. “Are you here yet? I want to hug you. Not just ‘cause I’m drunk. You smell nice. Weed makes you smell different. Did you smoke?”

 

“I showered after, does that count? And I’m on my way into the building. What’s the room again?”

 

“Yeah. That’s okay.” “Evan’s. And Chris’ too. Sometimes Jamie if she can’t be around Tom. I worry about them.” He wondered if hair decomposed on the hairbrushes or if they stayed there forever. He always just rinsed them after using them. He wondered if that was normal.

 

“The _number,_ Dan.” PJ brought him back to the present.

 

“One, one, one. One-eleven. One _-hundred-_ eleven.” Dan chuckled. “Whichever.”

 

“I’m knocking on the door. Are you going to greet me?” He flirted.

 

“Uh-uh. I can’t. Phil is out there.” Dan shook his head, though PJ couldn’t see. “He _knows_ and I don’t want him to. He’s going to ruin everything. Why is he here?” He began to panic again. “He can’t be here. Chris already showed up, but he was okay. What if Phil isn’t okay with it?”

 

PJ knocked on the door and Tyler let him in, gesturing to the bathroom. PJ walked towards it but glanced back at Phil. Their eyes met for a moment before turning back to their tasks at hand. “Knows _what?_ ”

 

“Oh my god.” Dan realized. “You don’t know.”

 

“I am _positive_ I made that clear.” He placed his hand on the doorknob. “Unlock the door, please.”

 

There was a click as Dan obliged and pulled PJ into a tight hug. PJ was _safe._ PJ had no idea Dan was Becca. Everyone at this party knew except PJ. “Let’s hide in here.” He said as he broke the hug and tried to pull PJ in.

 

“Oh no.” PJ shook his head, his eyes mischievous. He stepped away from Dan and pointed at the room of people who were pretending not to watch. “C’mon. Let’s go join our friends.”

 

Dan’s face paled. He felt dizzy and stumbled. Tyler ran over. “Dan!”

 

“I can’t. I can’t be here.” He shook his head. The world was spinning. He gripped the bathroom door and locked it before anyone could grab him.

 

“ _Evan!_ ” Tyler beckoned. “Do you have razors in there.”

 

“ _Fuck.”_ Evan cussed, looking for a pen. “It’s a formality lock, the kind with the hole, and the pen.... It’s not really a key it’s just…”

PJ pulled out a ball point pen and unscrewed it quickly as he shoved the pen refill into the hole. The door clicked and he opened it.

 

Dan felt exposed. He hadn’t even thought to cut. He was too fogged. Tyler, PJ, and Evan looked so relieved. He barely even knew Evan.

 

Phil stood at the counter. Chris looked up at Phil from his chair. “He hasn’t really changed. Just his gender.” Chris looked back down at his hands. “Please refer to him as Dan. He’s drunk, so he’s not really in control. We thought it would calm him but… I guess we’d never really seen him this drunk. He knows that you know, you know?”

 

Phil nodded slowly, sipping his drink. “Who’s PJ?”

 

“His knight in shining armor. Well, not officially. But he really wishes it was. PJ, that is.” Chris shrugged. “Tyler is his fucking wet nurse.” He chuckled. “He doesn’t love Dan or anything. They’re both bottoms. But I think…” Chris stared at the ceiling. “I think maybe Dan was the only person who saw him as a person? I’ve only heard through PJ, though. So who knows.” He looked back at his drink, taking a long gulp.

 

“Oh.” Phil dumped his drink down the drain. It didn’t seem appropriate to meet Dan drunk. “Do you think I’m too late?”

 

Dodie shook her head, eavesdropping. “I don’t think he’d be this freaked if you were.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unaware of the bathroom-door-unlocking trick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGqCHemjKc0


	10. Love is like a brick wall.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil confesses his love. PJ knows. Tyler remembers Korey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you all for your overwhelming support. You are all so fantastic and I swear I have no idea what I did to deserve all of you. The fact that some of you come by every day just to see if I wrote something makes me feel so loved. Thank you.

_ A girl with long soft curls bouncing behind her stepped off the train. She wore tight jeans and a black tunic trimmed with lace. Wrapped around her was a gray sweater. Her brown eyes looked left and right before she stepped into the crowd. Phil knew it was her immediately. “Rebecca?!” He called out. _

 

_ He wormed his way through the sea of people until she came into view. They met eyes and her jaw dropped as said “Phil?” with disbelief. It broke his heart how surprised she looked. It were as though, after their phone calls and texts she still assumed he wasn’t actually going to meet her there. _

 

_ He nodded and took her hand. She grinned with a blush and that was the first time Phil ever saw the dimple. He didn’t notice it when it happened. Maybe he’d passed it off as a trick of the light, or maybe he was too distracted by her warm eyes. Barely any eyeliner and her hair was a bit untidy but she was so perfect. Her slim fingers curled around his and it felt right. _

 

_ All thoughts of it just being a nice thing for a fan passed away. He never expected her to be so beautiful. He thought of the sweater hiding her arms and his heart broke. He would make this the best day she ever had. _

 

Phil looked at Dan and saw Dan was looking right back. That same look of disbelief written plain on his face he had when he stepped off the train so many years ago. His hair was just a bit curly and unruly with a black shirt hanging over his jeans. His arms were covered with bandages and old scars peaked through near the top. He’d learned a lot about self-harm through his charity. Cutting was like a drug addiction. No one tells a cocaine addict or an alcoholic that they are doing it for attention. They cut because their brain tells them they  _ need _ to. He’d hoped, however, that he would have stopped. Rebecca- _ Dan  _ was 23 years old and living the life he’d dreamed of.

 

Dodie nudged Phil, “Well, go on then!” she said in a hushed tone.

 

Listening, he walked over to Dan.

 

PJ glanced between the two as Dan opened his mouth to speak. “PJ doesn’t know. Please keep it that way.” He announced to the room.

 

PJ exasperatedly let his arms fall to his sides. “Well now I  _ really _ want to know.” Dan shook his head. PJ decided he’d ask in a drink or two.

 

Phil just stared, unable to take his eyes away. He was Becca. There the one he’d obsessed over for years stood no more than a few paces away and yet he couldn’t move. They met eyes again.

 

“You.” Dan raised a finger and pointed at Phil. “I saw your movie about the dog and the girl a year ago. You were very good. I saw it a few times. Tyler went once.” Dan swayed a bit. It might have just been the room actually spinning. He refused to admit he was  _ that _ drunk. “He didn’t like it much.” 

 

Tyler steadied him. “Dan, maybe you should sit down and shut up for a minute.” 

 

Dan shook his head and shrugged Tyler off of him and walked towards Phil. “I hate your charity name. It’s dumb. I wanted to slap you. Why didn’t you just let me go? I was going to tell you about… this. But then you didn’t answer your phone or anything so I took it as a sign.” He stumbled and Phil caught him with a small gasp.

 

Phil steadied him down into a chair at the table. “You’re drunk. We shouldn’t be doing this right now.”

 

“I’m perfectly drunk. Not too drunk. I’m just drunk enough.” Dan assured him. “You are the one not drunk enough,” he waved his hand aimlessly, “or whatever.” He burped. “You took my parents to see my show. I was so nervous. Why would you do that? And then ask to see me afterwards. Dodie said I should go out but I really didn’t want to. My mom knew.” Dan started to choke up. “I know she knew. And then you tickled me so  _ you _ obviously knew. I miss you.” He started to cry. “On the website you wrote about how much you missed me and you posted my poetry. Why would you post my poetry? The poems are so bad and there’s a mean one about my mom...”

 

Phil was nearly crying as he saw the tears fall. “Becca…” 

 

“ _ DAN. _ ” Dan smacked his fists on the table. “My name is  _ Dan! _ ”

 

Phil was waiting for the floor to swallow him. “I’m sorry! I didn’t-”

 

“You didn’t! You never  _ saw _ ! You didn’t  _ know _ ! I don’t  _ care _ ! She’s  **not** me! I was never Becca!” He yelled. “My name is Daniel James Howell and I am a man!”

 

The room was silent. 

 

PJ took in a breath slowly as he finally put the pieces together.

 

“I’m sorry.” Phil whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

 

“I know.” Dan shrugged. “Me too. I’m sorry for leaving. I know it seemed like I was going to kill myself. I was. Then Tyler took a photo of me and got me an acting job and honestly it was the best thing that ever happened since you.” He sighed. “But you were supposed to give up. You were supposed to go be a famous actor and win a ton of awards. Instead you dedicated your life to finding me. Why didn’t you move on, Phil? Why did you keep looking?”

 

Without missing a beat, Phil replied: “Because I love you.”

 

Dan looked up at him in disbelief. “Even now?”

 

“Love isn’t something that ever goes away, Daniel James Howell.” Phil said softly. “Love is like a brick wall. It’s built slowly. Piece by piece it grows stronger and stronger. It takes a lot to knock it down. Even if the wall falls down the bricks are still there. In pieces, maybe, but they are still there waiting to be put back together.” Dan looked down at his hands. “That’s what I’m trying to do.”

 

Dan stood up from his chair. “I’m too drunk for this.” He walked towards the door. “I need air.” 

 

Tyler met him at the door with a cup of water, “We’ll be right back.” The door shut behind them. 

 

Dan took a few steps before sliding down the wall and brought his knees to his chest. “I don’t want to be me anymore.” 

 

“Yes you do.” Tyler joined him and leaned into him. “You spent a long time becoming Dan. Trust me, I was there for the whole thing.”

 

There was a nice silence and Dan let himself relax into Tyler. He thought about their history, and what Phil said about love. Tyler put a lot of time and energy into Dan’s life. “Do you love me?”

 

Tyler snorted. “Not like Phil or PJ, that’s for sure. I love you like my absolute best friend on the planet, yeah.” He felt Dan’s breathing begin to relax. “You mean a lot to me. I’m afraid you’re going to die a lot of the time too. I wish you actually saw yourself in the mirror. You are such a kind person. You give so much life to everything around you and yet you destroy yourself. When I saw you for the first time I  _ swear _ you aura was like a  _ swarm _ of fireflies in the woods above a glass-like lake. Pure poetry. I don’t even see aura but it needed to be captured. So no, I don’t romantically love you, but I love you so much.”

 

“I love you the same way. Why don’t you have someone to really love?” Dan’s voice was like a whisper. “You deserve someone to speak to you like Phil did.”

 

“I’m not sure I deserve that kind of prince.” Tyler chortled. “Besides, I don’t think I’m a settle-down kind of guy.”

 

“You were almost one, though. I remember you told me about Korey. Your old roommate before you had me crash at your place. I thought you’d end up with him by now,” he said thoughtfully. “That’s why I got my own place instead of splitting the rent with you.”

 

Tyler thought back to Korey. 

 

_ Tyler had gone to a bookstore to take photos for his portfolio. He knew exactly what he wanted. a person sitting sideways on a large armchair with a book in their hands near a window. He had no friends that were talented at modeling and he didn’t have the money to pay for one so he waited all day at a bookstore for three days. Finally, as a girl sat herself in the desired position, Tyler took out his camera. He lifted it to his face and- _

 

_ A book,  _ I Am Not Myself These Days ,  _ as Tyler would never forget, landed on his lap. He looked up and saw a dark haired young man standing behind him disapprovingly. “Hello, sir, may I assist you in actually finding a book or is voyeurism satisfying you well enough?” The man had an American accent which Tyler found so comforting that he nearly cried. Not to mention he was gorgeous. He was perfect. Tyler needed to get him in that chair. _

 

_ “This one is fine.” Tyler held it up. “Thanks. My name is Tyler Oakley. What’s yours? Do you model?” He said before explaining his situation to which Korey found pathetically hilarious (though he commended Tyler on his patience and dedication). _

 

_ Korey did pose for him with that very book and it went on to become Tyler’s most powerful portfolio piece.  _

 

_ Life was golden that day. If only he hadn’t fucked it up.  _

 

“I burnt that bridge a  _ long  _ time ago.” Tyler said with a hint of humor. “I got you a job with some of that burnt bridge. I  _ highly _ doubt he’d take me back.”

 

Dan didn’t laugh. “You never let him take you in the first place.”

 

“Okay, can we get back to you now?” Tyler asserted with a playful shove.

 

Dan groaned. “I hate talking about my problems.”

 

“I think the  _ whole world _ knows that, Dan.” Tyler laughed. “You should get back in there.”

 

“Only if you call Korey. Today.” Dan negotiated.

 

“You’re only saying that because you’re drunk so I forgive you.” Tyler laughed at the notion.

 

“I mean it.” Dan raised a finger.

 

“Yeah, okay. Let’s go.” Tyler stood up and reached his hand out to help Dan stand.

 

Dan raised an eyebrow. “You promise?” 

 

Tyler scoffed. “Sure.”

 

“Good.” Dan accepted the hand and stood, mistaking the scoff for a noise of defeat. “Protect me?”

 

“Always, darling.” He smiled. “But you’re completely cut off. No more drinks. Just water.”

 

“Yes, sir.” And they opened the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I caved. I wasn't going to add a side couple but agh Tyler and Korey > Tyler and Troye, #sorrynotsorry
> 
> Phil's "brick" line is actually out of an original piece I'm working on. It needs tinkering but the concept is something I adore.


	11. Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil finally have a chat.

Dan walked back into the flat and was not pleased to see everyone looking at him like a jenga tower ready to collapse. PJ looked a bit distraught. Dan knew that look. It was the same one he gave before he and Dan would cuddle for an hour or so. Dan looked away. His eyes met Chris’ next who gestured his eyes to Phil. Dan sighed and Chris gestured again assertively. Dan caved and made the move to walk towards Phil.

 

“Is anyone hungry?” Dodie was the first to speak and break the silence. 

 

“Starving,” Evan said, slightly more energetic than anticipated by the crowd. They all left Dan and Phil for the kitchen. PJ hesitated before following the crowd.

 

Dan sat beside him, rather than across from him like before. “Sorry about-”

 

Phil shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-” 

 

“I know,” he nodded, sobering as he looked down at his hands. The bandages were embarrassing. He wished he could just erase them. He wished his new life and masculinized body could alone prove his vanishing act had been a cure. Yet, unluckily, the scars from Becca still belonged to Dan. They were all there, some even covered by new ones. Layers of tallies marking moments of weakness crawled up his arms along with the fresh ones between his legs.

 

They sat for a moment. Phil turned to Dan who glanced up, then back at his hands. “I miss you,” Phil whispered.

 

Dan smiled sarcastically. “Are you sure? Maybe you should set up a nationwide charity to prove it.”

 

“I never stopped looking,” He replied softly, not encouraging the humor.

 

“Obviously,” Dan shrugged. “Why though?”

 

There was a brief tension. “I didn't know what I’d done wrong.” He then shifted his position to face Dan. “Besides being a terrible boyfriend and rescheduling you all the time, that is.”

 

Dan nodded. “We were young, Phil. You didn’t do anything. I was just scared.”

 

Phil looked away, giving up on Dan looking at him. Dan and Becca were the same person. The mannerisms, the scars, the way he spoke. It was like looking at a twin. He could barely wrap his head around the two of them being the same human and yet there they were. There he was. “I thought you’d killed yourself,” he admitted. 

 

Dan felt cold guilt. “Understandably.”

 

Phil took a breath. “I reread your email last night. Nothing points to… well this,” he shrugged.

 

“It did, originally” Dan recalled the files he showed Chris and Tyler. “I was worried about my parents finding it. I didn’t want them to know. I wanted to die knowing they lost their daughter not their  _ freak _ .”

 

“You’re not a freak,” Phil said firmly.

 

Dan felt a lump in his throat. He couldn’t speak. Strangely enough, that was all he’d ever wanted to hear from Phil. He felt tears in his eyes and he was embarrassed to look at him. If he looked he’d cry. “I-I should get another-”

 

“I think you’ve had enough.” Phil placed his hand on Dan’s. He decided to change the subject. “So catch me up. Who are all your friends?”

 

“Well-”

 

The door swung open to reveal Louise. “Sorry I’m late!” She was holding bags of food. “What did I miss?” She glanced around the room frantically. Darcy, trailing in behind her, locked eyes on Dan and bolted over. 

 

“Dan!!” She screeched.

 

Dan whipped his head around, tears drying in his eyes as the light of the world ran towards him. “Darcy!” He caught her in a hug as she hopped onto his lap.

 

“Phil!” She crawled onto Phil and hugged him too. “You two are friends?”

 

“Yes,” Dan smiled.

 

Phil looked at Dan and beamed.

 

Louise saw Dan and Phil beside each other and her heart fluttered. “Have they already made amends?” She wondered out loud.

 

Tyler chuckled. “Not even close. ...Well actually,  _ maybe _ . There was some fighting before but Dan just waltzed over all sweet-like just now and they were dipping into conversation before they got cock-blocked.”

  
“Tyler!” Louise exclaimed as she ignored everything he’d said. “Oh my goodness! It’s been  _ ages! _ ” She hugged him. 

 

“What’d you get me?” He said pulling away and looking at the bags.

 

“Oh I brought food and some non-alcoholic beverages. I couldn’t for the life of me find a babysitter and no one was answering their phones.”

 

“Probably because we’re all here,” he hummed taking out a bag of chips she’d brought and helping himself. “Kitchen’s this way,” he led the way with his mouth full.

 

PJ snuck into the dining area where Dan and Phil sat. “Darcy! Let’s leave them be, yeah?” He called to her. It was a good cover to spy on them breifly, he’d decided. He wasn’t sure how to wrap his head around all of this but the last thing he wanted was to learn Dan never gave him a chance because he thought PJ was a transphobic asshole. Yet he couldn’t get the word _ transgender  _ out of his mind. Was he transphobic, he wondered? Either way he didn’t want to lose Dan to Phil before he’d even had a chance.

 

Darcy huffed and ran over to PJ. Dan and PJ’s eyes met for a moment. Dan smiled and mouthed: “Thank you.” 

 

PJ nodded and escorted her out of the room.

 

“I met him before your show,” Phil said offhandedly. “It was outside Louise’s shop. He said you were a big fan of mine. He was in a bit of a hurry.”

 

Dan genuinely laughed. “He would. Probably kicked himself for not getting a photo.”

 

Phil’s heart fluttered at the laugh before realization hit him and made that very heart sink. “Is he your boyfriend?” He asked softly.

 

Dan shook his head. “I haven’t seen anyone since you.”

 

“Me either.”

 

Dan chuckled. “We’re quite the sad pair, aren’t we?” Phil looked at their hands still touching. Dan’s eyes met their hands as well. All this and Phil still wanted him. Phil still loved him. “I’m sorry,” he choked. “I know I’m still a little drunk, so it might not mean as much, but I am. I didn’t mean to do this. I thought,” he was talking so fast he barely knew what he was saying. “I thought  _ maybe _ everyone would decide I was dead and move on. Be sad for a little while, but get their life in order and move on.”

 

“A lot of suicide attempts start with that sort of thinking, Dan.” Phil laced their fingers and brought his hand to his own cheek. “No one ever moves on after losing someone to suicide.” His voice was shaky bit strong. “I’ve seen so many broken families with this charity. Sometimes there’s a note saying just that: _ You’ll be sad but you’ll stay strong. You always have _ . Or something like that. It’s not true. It changes people. It leaves this ghost on their face that never leaves.”

 

Dan sat silent. 

 

“Have you ever talked to someone?” Phil asked.

 

“Like a therapist?” 

 

“Yeah.”

 

“No.” Dan shook his head. Phil chuckled. “What?”

 

“Nothing, I just…” Phil shrugged.

 

“What?” Dan pressed, annoyed.

 

“I thought maybe you’d want to. Keeping it bottled up suits you though. Even after everything.”

 

Dan pulled his hand away.

 

“Dan,” Phil said as Dan got up. “I didn’t mean anything.”

 

Dan made his way to the door and PJ saw him slip by and followed. Phil watched as the door shut behind the two and sat back down. He felt as though he were about to vomit. He fucked up again. He said the wrong thing and Dan was gone again. He took comfort that someone was chasing him because Phil wasn’t up for chasing him right now. He wouldn’t allow himself to feel badly for this. Dan needed help and refusing it was just borrowing time.


	12. PJ wished it didn't matter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PJ smokes with Dan and wishes this new knowledge didn't change how he felt about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short but writing about the smoking was a bit rocky for me.

“Dan!” PJ called after Dan as he followed down the hall to the stairs. 

 

Dan rolled his eyes as he opened the stairwell and continued his walk. PJ followed close behind. He didn’t call after Dan again, choosing instead to just walk with him. They exited the building.

 

They walked down the street in silence side by side. PJ glanced back at the building they’d left behind and back at his friend. 

 

Friend.

 

That was strange. He’d never felt so platonic towards Dan before. His gut churned with guilt as he realized this changed things. He loved Dan, or so he thought. Dan was his soulmate. His never-ending crush. His love. 

 

Why did this knowledge change it?

 

Maybe it was just the shock of the news. That was probably it.

 

He was brought back to the current situation as he heard a sniffle. Dan was crying. He looked at the perfect broken picture. Dan looked utterly broken. Flakes were falling and Dan stood without a jacket bandages peeking through his sleeves. His eyes were swollen with tears he was attempting to hold back and his nose was red at the tip from the cold. 

 

PJ began to unzip his hoodie when Dan put his hand up signaling for him not to. “Don’t.”

 

PJ zipped it back up. “My place?” He asked.

 

Dan nodded.

 

They walked in silence the rest of the way, though it wasn’t a long walk. Dan was a shivering mess with a bit of snot above his lip as he walked inside. PJ’s house was strung with more fairy lights than a christmas shop usually carried in stock and as he turned on the light, they all lit up instead of an overhead bulb. Blues and pinks were hidden in with the predominantly white ones. The scent of weed carried through the house and Dan took in a slow breath. 

 

PJ pulled his lips in a tight line. He knew he shouldn’t offer. “Do you want to smoke?” He asked anyway.

 

Dan nodded.

 

“In exchange for my weed I’d like you to speak to me. It doesnt have to be about whatever happened. It’s just- I’ve been trying not to smoke alone lately and smoking in silence is basically just that, isn’t it?” PJ smiled awkwardly.

 

Dan took a shaky breath. “I’ll cry,” he quickly uttered.

 

“That’s okay.”

 

He led Dan to the living room and packed the bong that sat on the small table. He pulled his lighter out and handed it to Dan. “It’s been a while and this strand is strong. Be careful.”

 

Dan nodded and lit as he pulled in the air. He filled the entirety of his lungs before letting it out as the cloud carried all of his stress with it. His muscles relaxed and he almost had it perfect until mucus caught his throat and he began to cough. He hacked as he passed the bong to PJ who smiled affectionately.

 

Something about potheads is they enjoy watching others get high almost as much as they like getting high themselves. They are the most generous drug addicts you’ll ever meet. PJ was no exception.

 

He took in a hit as large as Dan’s and passed it back. 

 

Dan took a larger hit this time, feeling the burn in his throat and pulling harder. He held it. He felt the pressure as it tried to escape like someone trying to crush a balloon. He let it out slowly. He didn’t cough that time.

 

He felt a ringing in his whole body. Similar to the one that one would hear in their ear. From his iris to his fingers he felt the drug take effect. The world was moving like an ocean but only in his head. “I feel….”

 

“Yeah?” PJ’s face lit up as he held in his smoke. This was his favorite part of smoking with Dan. Dan always tried to explain how he felt when he was high. His need to express it was the funniest thing. Dan would, on occasion, spend his entire high just trying to explain it. He’d mull over it for hours and two times he even cried.

 

“I feel like metallic jelly,” Dan decided. “Do you understand?”

 

“Of course,” PJ lied through his teeth as though everyone had felt that way on some occasion. He passed the bong to Dan again. “I’ve had that before.”

 

“Yeah.” Dan nodded slowly, taking another hit. “It’s just Phil. He wants to just,” he exhaled, “wants to pick up where we left off years ago. But he doesn’t know me anymore.”

 

PJ placed the bong back on the table to pause their smoking. “Who were you, then? I mean the person he knows.”

 

“Rebecca Jane Davies.” Dan leaned back in his chair. “Perfect little Becca with her long curly hair and hipster-style bags resting on her hip. Wearing hoodies and tunics and leggings she’d wander around the big city with famous Philip Lester the up-and-coming superstar.” He sighed. “I’d lace my fingers with his and feel a buzz in my heart and I’d see his stupid blue eyes and feel it again and he’d smile at me and…” Dan felt tears in his eyes. “Fuck! I’m crying.”

 

“It’s okay, Dan.” PJ chuckled. “Take a breath.”

 

“Take a hit more-like.” He grabbed the bong.

 

PJ nodded with an affectionate smirk. “That too.”

 

Dan coughed hard that time. “I wish I’d been born a boy. You know, to see if he still would have liked me.”

 

“It seems like he would.”

 

“I almost told him. I had a whole speech prepared. I don’t really remember it but it was long and I had it down  _ perfect _ .”

 

“I believe you.”

 

“I know you do, you’re perfect. I wish I could have fucked you. _ God _ I wanted you so bad.”

 

PJ clapped his hands hard. “I  **_knew_ ** it!!!” 

 

“Yeah, we would’ve made a cute couple.”

 

PJ wanted to argue they still could, but he couldn’t. Why did his genitals make a difference to him? He didn’t want them to matter. “Yeah. We would’ve,” he agreed softly.

 

The haze of smoke that surrounded them seemed heavier than it did the last time they smoked together. PJ let the high swim over his body as he breathed in and out. He was floating and his struggle with losing his romantic feelings didn’t seem to matter as much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge part of this story is about how different people react to someone coming out and not just over whether they support it or not. A lot of people go through what PJ is going through, everyone's sexuality is different. Sometimes the genitals do make a difference. It sucks for everyone.


	13. Korey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler calls Korey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> less than a thousand words but I'm trying my hardest, I promise. I feel like I'm walking through a foggy marshland (but such is the life of a Long Islander I suppose? lol geography jokes.) 
> 
> We learn a lot more about Tyler's character here so if he's one of your favorites in the story, this one's for you. 
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for the comments and encouragement. It really does keep me writing.

Jamie had calmed down and began enjoying herself with the help of Tyler and Louise. “So explain to me why you and Tom need separate bedrooms?” Tyler pressed. “I don’t get it. Do you sext? Who’s bed do you use when you actually do it?”

 

Jamie laughed and covered her face. “You’re so rude!” She blushed. “He smells like boy, I don’t know!”

 

“Where’s PJ?” Louise suddenly noticed.

 

Tyler paled as he ran in thinking PJ interrupted Dan and Phil but saw Phil alone at the table. “Where’s Dan?”

 

“He stormed off, PJ followed him,” Phil said softly.

 

“When?” Tyler asserted. 

 

“Just a few minutes ago.”

 

“Tyler-” Dodie started as Tyler grabbed his jacket. She took it from him. “PJ has him, he’s okay.”

 

“No but-”

 

She hung his jacket up. “You need to live for yourself.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“He’s a grown man and you’re like a little helicopter hovering over him. He’s not going to break, Tyler. We’re all here for him.”

 

Tyler’s mouth dropped in awe of her ignorance of the situation. This was  _ Dan.  _ His safety was never a guarantee. PJ was there for him, yeah, but the fact that Tyler didn’t know where they were or what they were saying or how Dan was feeling what scaring him.  “He left, Dodie! PJ could be talking him off a ledge!” Tyler started shaking.

 

“Then PJ is talking him down! PJ knows to call you, doesn’t he?” She rationalized for him.

 

Tyler hesitated before uttering: “Yes.”

 

“Then it’s all well and good. No need to worry. As for you!” She led him back into the room to a chair. “Who do you have your eye on? Anyone special? I rarely hear about your dating life.”

 

Tyler pressed his lips in a line. Had she heard Dan’s earlier demand? “That might be because there isn’t one.”

 

Dodie grinned. “Well let’s change that then.”

 

Tyler shook his head. “Oh no. I haven’t got the time or the patience-”

 

“It’s happening, Tyler,” Dodie cut him off and took his phone. “You must have someone’s number in here. Grab a drink and scroll.”

 

As Dodie passed him a drink, Tyler thought about Korey and their last conversation.

 

_ “For the last time that’s not how I work,” Tyler threw his hands in the air. “I just do! If my gut says it’s the right thing then I do it!” _

 

_ Korey slammed his hand on the table. “This isn’t a spontaneous road trip Tyler this is about your health!” _

 

_ Tyler groaned and ran his hand through his unstyled hair. “I’m clean! I tested negative for everything.” _

 

_ Korey couldn’t believe Tyler’s nonchalant attitude. “For now! What happens when you don’t?” _

 

_ “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Kor but I got it.” _

 

_ Korey sighed. “There are other ways-” _

 

_ “Fuck off,  _ **_‘There are other ways,’_ ** _ Jesus Christ, Korey I’m only in school because of fucking! Do you think I deserved the scholarship?” Tyler barked a laugh. “No. I didn’t. So I **earned** it. This is how my world works.” _

 

_ Korey saddened. His eyes were filled to the brim with pity. “I think you have a problem.”  _

 

_ “That  _ **_problem_ ** _ has gotten you off how many times now?” _

 

_ “Tyler-” _

 

_ “No. Don’t. It’s fine. You go do your thing and be a hero for someone else some other time to make yourself feel better.” Tyler waved him off and turned to the fridge. “What do you want to eat?” _

 

_ “I think that’s what you were trying to do.” Korey said softly. “For that kid, Dan.” _

 

_ Tyler stiffened. _

 

_ “I think you wanted to help him so he didn’t end up like you.” _

 

_ “Leave.” Tyler’s voice was shaking. _

 

_ “Tyler, I love you.” _

 

_ “Stop saying that!” Tyler slammed the fridge shut with tears threatening to pour. “Don’t lie to me!” _

 

_ “It's not a lie! I do. All I ask is that you value yourself a bit more. You are worth so much mo-” _

 

_ “ _ **_Leave!!_ ** _ " Tyler grabbed a spoon and threw it at Korey, hitting him in the shoulder. He reached for more utensils when Korey put his hands up. _

 

_ “I’m leaving. Just call when you’re ready.” And he left. _

 

“I don’t think I’m ready,” Tyler said quietly as his fingers scrolled through his contacts and hovered over the “k’s.”

 

Dodie waved her hand. “Nonsense!” Her eyes narrowed at his finger. “Click it.”

 

He  _ did _ promise Dan. And if Dan ended up dead and he didn’t keep his promise…. He grabbed the drink from her hands and downed it before calling.

 

_ Ring…. _

 

_ Ring….  _

 

_ Ring…. _

 

_ Click.  _ “Tyler?”

 

Tyler felt his heart hammering in his chest. Korey sounded confused but not angry or hurt. Just confused. That was a good sign. “Korey. Hi.”

 

There was a small gasp of surprise before Korey asked: “Are you okay?”

 

“What? Yeah. I’m… I’m good how are you?”

 

A sigh of relief. “Feeling a bit like Amy Pond but I’ll live.”

 

Tyler grinned. “I left my bowtie at home.”

 

“Shame. Bowties are cool.” Korey chuckled.

 

Tyler blushed. “So, um. I’m at a party and I was wondering…”

 

“Oh.” 

 

Tyler’s heart fell at the sigh he heard. “No, I’m not drunk.”

 

“No I know you’re not. Trust me. I know Drunk-Tyler.” A small, nostalgic chuckle could be heard. “I’d just hoped you’d called me on your own.”

 

“Will you come anyway?” He asked hopefully.

 

There was a pause. “Is Dan there?” 

 

Tyler bit his lip at the name, he’d forgotten for a moment. “He left.”

 

“Is he okay?” There was a tone of genuine concern.

 

Tyler felt his throat close. “I don’t know.”

 

Korey didn’t miss a beat. “What’s the address?”

 

Tyler gave it out and glanced at Dodie who looked very intrigued. “I like him.” She decided out loud.


	14. Everything is going to be okay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korey arrives and Dan falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically the end of the last chapter, thank you all for being so patient with me.

Korey arrived quicker than Tyler expected with 5 brisk knocks at the door. Dodie looked at Tyler who shot her a panicked look.

“He came, Tyler.” She said softly before placing a hand on his shoulder. Tyler went to grab her drink and she yanked it back. “You can do this.”

He stood up, looking at the door. It was much closer than he remembered it being the last time he looked. He walked towards it as Korey knocked again. His hand reached towards the knob and he opened it.

There stood Korey.

They stared at each other for a moment before Korey pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m so glad you called me.” Tyler hugged back tightly and felt tears start to roll before he let it all out in sobs. Korey rubbed his back in comforting circles. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll find him.”

Tyler continued to cry. Korey still smelt the same and even after all these years he waited for him to call. He made a fucking Doctor Who reference and he was standing right here as if nothing had changed. It was as though it had been less than a day.

Tyler felt himself calm down and pulled back. “I think I got snot on you,” he commented in a shaky voice.

“I’ll live.”

Tyler met his eyes and sighed, wiping his tears in an attempt to regain control over himself. “Thank you for coming.” His voice was small. He hadn't heard himself speak like this in a while. It was a side of himself only Korey really had the ability to bring out.

“So do you have any leads?” Korey asked referring to Dan’s disappearance.

“PJ, his um, whatever PJ is. We saw him leave with him. PJ is a good guy but he smokes weed and Phil is here and-”

“Phil Lester?” Korey knew Dan’s fascination with the celebrity.

“Yeah but it turns out he knew Phil because of all this-” Tyler flailed his arms. “I can't do this.”

Tyler led Korey into the room and introduced everyone. They filled him in on the whole situation without leaving out any details. Phil added in the last conversation they had before Dan slipped out.

Korey turned to Tyler. “Ty, I don't think he's in any real danger. I think he just freaked out a bit.”

“That's what we've been trying to tell him.” Louise sighed.

\--

Dan was definitely high. His head was swaying and his eyes were drooping. He was pretty sure he was going to fall asleep in a moment.

“Dan do you want to lay down?” PJ asked with a chuckle.

“If i do I’ll sleep.”

PJ chuckled. “That's okay.”

Dan nodded and lifted his arms. PJ got up and picked him up. He carried him to his bedroom and placed him down on the bed. Dan was unconscious in moments.

He pulled out his phone and saw the time. He was sure Tyler was mid-panic-attack by now so he called him.

Tyler picked up right away. _“How is he!?”_

“He’s asleep. He smoked until he passed out. I think he should just crash here for the night.”

_“Are you sure?”_

“Yeah. I think he still loves Phil though, so we should try and keep them in touch. He’s just freaked out about his past and present colliding I think. I’ll take him to work tomorrow where I'm sure I'll be fired but he’ll get there. You can pick him up after.” PJ sat back on his couch. “How are you.”

_“I’ll be okay.”_

“Alright. See you tomorrow then.”

 _“See you then.”_


	15. Business As Usual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm.

****

When PJ escorted Dan to the theater to the next day he was surprised to find he wasn’t fired, but rather expected to join Dan on stage. Dodie was talking with Dan who  _ clearly _ did not want to talk. He overheard apologies and dismissals as they got into costume. The familiar tune and  _ “Places in 5! Places in 5!” _ harshly whispered over the hushed room.

 

It was strange to be up on the dark stage and fall out of PJ and Dan and into Enjolras and Marius as the light made its way back onto the set. PJ surprised himself by not missing a line or step as Dan performed flawlessly as usual.

 

_ As usual.  _

 

He couldn’t let himself think too hard about the situation and how it wasn’t usual at all. Dan was Dan but now that PJ  _ knew…  _ he wished he didn’t. He wished it didn’t matter. It did though. PJ wasn’t attracted to Dan anymore. He loved Dan, but he couldn’t help but lose attraction at the idea that a penis wasn’t there. Was he shallow? Was this okay? All those feelings didn’t matter because of that small detail. He hated himself for it. 

 

He prayed the subject never came up. Dan wouldn’t be able to handle it. He was too fragile.

 

By the time he died on stage he was glad to be off it. He met with Dodie who had died a while before and sat down with her.

 

He sat beside her. “I hate myself.” 

 

Dodie groaned and ran a hand through her wig. “Not you too.” 

 

“I’m not attracted to him anymore. I’m a horrible person. Why does it have to matter?” He vented.

 

Dodie turned to him with pity in her eyes. “PJ you not being attracted to trans people doesn’t make you a bad person. Others may argue but at the end of the day you can’t help what you’re attracted to.” She sighed. “Don’t tell Dan though.”

 

PJ snorted. “Trust me, it’s not on my list.”

 

Back in the audience Korey and Tyler were sitting beside each other. “You did good,” Korey whispered as he rested his hand on Tyler’s. 

 

“He’s great. This is all him,” Tyler beamed.

 

Their fingers laced and Tyler felt his heart dance in his chest. Shit might be raining from the ceiling fan but he’d found a small shelter with Korey. It was as though they’d never been apart from the other. 

 

He thought of Dan’s words on how he’d always expected Korey to move in. He wondered if Korey ever would. He glanced up at his dark hair and warm eyes glued to the stage and hoped that someday he might. For once in a long time he felt he might deserve Korey.

 

He wondered then if maybe  _ “You did good.”  _ was about more than Dan.

 

Louise and Phil were in her shop and Phil was sitting in her chair behind the register as she tidied up the bells.

 

“I don’t think you two are over, but I do think you need to contact him again. I don’t want to suggest stalking him but maybe you should wait at the stage door and try and talk to him,” she droned on. She refused to let it rest as much as he doubted himself.

 

“But what if he files a restraining order,” Phil groaned.

 

“He can’t. He hasn’t legally changed any documents.” She moved onto dusting the mugs.

 

“Oh.” He hadn’t thought of that.

 

“Bells For Becca is still coming up. Have you considered inviting him? Time is running out and-”

 

“Oh Louise I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” He started rearranging her knick knacks on the counter.

 

“You can’t very well write out a long letter to  _ her _ when you’ve already found  _ him. _ ” She looked up at him. “Phil you can’t pretend this isn’t happening. The BBC is involved this year.”

 

“I highly doubt he wants cameras on him. I don’t think he’s out at his job.”

 

“Well time’s running out. You need to reconnect with this boy and fast. Speaking of, the show ends in 20 minutes so you’d better be on your way to that stage door.” She shooed him.

 

He stood up reluctantly and left.

 

There was already a crowd outside the door and a few of his fans recognized him and wanted selfies. He played along and let them have their pictures. It provided a great distraction to the big question: _“What do I say?”_


	16. The Reconnection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil find time alone to reconnect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Bree who I haven't seen comment in a while. I hope you're safe. I'm thinking of you. <3
> 
> Thank you all so much for your patience with me. The comments really do keep me going. You all mean so much to me.

 

Dan exited the stage door and was met with applause by the small crowd. People began asking for pictures and he politely obliged. Phil couldn't keep his eyes off Dan if he tried. His long fingers wrapped around their smartphones. His pink lips curling into an awkward smile as the he pointed the cameras at himself and the fans. His hair curled from sweat that had accumulated from the wig he’d been wearing earlier. He was so  _ beautiful. _

 

_ “Just ask him out for food. That's what I'll do. A simple dinner.”  _ He decided. 

 

Dan glanced up to look for the next person in line for a photo and saw Phil instead. His face paled a bit as he turned back to the phone and smiled for the next selfie.

 

“Thank you!” The last fan said with a huge grin.

 

“That's okay. Thank you for coming!” Dan smiled with closed lips as he walked up to Phil. “Do you want another selfie?” He asked jokingly.

 

Phil shook his head. “Dinner. I’d like dinner, if you're up for it?” He asked far more assertively than he intended.

 

Dan’s eyes widened at the assertion. He stuck his hands in his pockets and looked around for an excuse.  “Oh, um. Tyler is coming over with Korey. I…” He tried to worm his way out of it.

 

“Just for an hour!” He pleaded. “I just want to do this right.”

 

“Phil,” Dan said with a sigh.

 

“We can go to Nobu,” Phil suggested hopefully. “Is it still your favorite?”

 

Dan genuinely smiled a little. “I haven't been since our last date.”

 

Phil gave a soft smile. “Neither have I,” he admitted.

 

There was a silence that fell between the two as the crowd that he previously swarmed Dan went their separate ways. A pigeon picked at the crumbs nearby on the concrete while cooing. All the while the two held each other’s eyes. Dan took in a breath. “I’ll text Tyler and let him know.” Phil beamed.

 

As they approached the restaurant Phil thought back to the last time they ate there.

 

_ “Your food.” The waiter said placing the plates down gently. _

 

_ “Thank you,” Becca smiled looking down at her unagi.  _

 

_ “I still don't know  _ **_how_ ** _ you eat that.” Phil laughed. _

 

_ “Well I still don't understand how you couldn't if it's on the menu! Your palate must be broken or something. No milk, cheese,  _ **_or_ ** _ eel? Nonsense, honestly.”  _

 

_ “I’m lactose intolerant! It's not because I don't like milk!” He took a mouthful of sushi. “And cheese is horrible!” _

 

_ “Mhm.” She said mockingly. She took a bite and moaned. “It's still fucking amazing.” _

 

_ “I don't understand you.” Phil shook his head. _

 

_ Becca laughed. It soon fell silent as they indulged in their meals. Phil placed his fork down as he worked up the courage to tell her the news. He looked at her soft wavy hair and her delicate eyelashes. He knew she would be upset. _

 

_ “I’m going to America,” he said softly. _

 

_ She looked up and searched his eyes wishfully for a touch of humor. “Seriously?” _

 

_ “Yes. For the movie. It’s being filmed in LA.” _

 

_ “Oh.” She took another bite.  _

 

_ “I'm sorry.” He looked down at his food. _

 

_ “Don't be” she managed with a shaky breath. “It's your big break.” _

 

The familiar waiter brought Phil back to the present. He seemed pleased to see Phil and tried to catch up, but Phil wasn’t interested. They were seated and he looked across the table at the man before him. His eyelashes had lengthened but they still held the same delicate look. 

 

“They still serve Unagi.” Dan smiled as he looked over the menu.

 

“Your favorite.” Phil returned the smile. 

 

Dan nodded. “PJ thinks it's gross as well.”

 

Phil chuckled. He hesitated before asking: “Are you two together?”

 

He shook his head. “No, not for his lack of trying though.”

 

“Why?”

 

He took in a long breath. “Mostly because I didn't want him to know I was trans. But he also is a massive pothead with no sense for time. He is either late or cancels unless I’m in some sort of crisis.” He sighed. “Then he arrives in what seems like seconds.”

 

Phil glanced at Dan’s covered arms. “So you still…?” Though he knew the answer from the time before.

 

Dan nodded. “It's hard to imagine  _ not _ cutting.”

 

“Oh.”

 

The silence fell again.

 

They ordered their food and Dan grinned at his plate. “It's been  _ too _ long old friend.” He dug in. Phil smiled at the sight.

 

“Would you consider coming to the ceremony?” Phil asked carefully.

 

Dan looked up, mouth full. He swallowed “Is that why you asked me here?” 

 

“No,” he blurted, “I was just wondering.”

 

“Wouldn't you have to change the name or something?”

 

“I hadn't thought of that.”

 

“If it’s up to me, you wouldn't have to. Bells For Dan doesn't have a nice ring to it.”

 

They both paused before they laughed at the unintentional pun. Phil missed that laugh so much. 

 

“I suppose I wouldn't mind going or speaking or whatever. It would be nice for you guys to have admitted you’d found me.”

 

“Really?” Phil smiled.

 

“Yeah. Everyone is finding out so I might as well, I guess.”

 

“Thank you so much.” Phil genuinely meant it.

 

They seemed to inhale their food as Phil couldn’t remember when his plate was half empty. It just seemed to be gone when he went to dug his fork in to pick up another piece and hit the saucy plate instead.

 

Dan had the same experience. They looked at each other and in unison said “Mochi?” then laughed.

 

When desert came they finished it just as fast. Phil paid for the food and they left the restaurant smiling. Phil was on his phone ordering an Uber when Dan glanced at Phil’s free hand. He bit his lip and took it in his own. Phil’s head whipped around at the intimate gesture. “Dan,” he said softly.

 

“I missed you.” He leant onto Phil’s arm as their fingers laced.

 

“I missed you too,” Phil whispered. He tightened his grip briefly. “So much.”

 

They rode back to Dan’s apartment complex and Dan looked at Phil still sitting in the Uber’s car. “Are you coming?” 

 

Phil blinked in surprised. “Oh, um, yeah,” he stuttered as he paid the Uber. “Thanks,” he said before getting out.

 

They walked into his apartment and Phil looked around at the place. Everything was so…  _ Dan. _

 

“I want to show you the original email.” Dan sat at the counter where he’d left his laptop. He opened it up.

 

Phil chuckled awkwardly. “I read it every day. I can recite it.”

 

Dan turned to Phil with sad eyes. His chest ached with how much agony Phil suffered through the past few years. He never stopped looking.  _ Never. _

 

“I meant… There was an email I’d written before the one I sent you. I edited most of it out and sent you the remains.” He bit his lip. 

 

“Oh?” Phil sat beside him. Dan opened the folder and Phil looked at all the thumbnails. “You saved it all.”

 

“I did.” He double-clicked the email and opened up the text document.

 

Phil read it aloud.

 

_ “Dear Phil Lester, _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “I’m not sure if you read these or if some public relations guy reads them for you but I’ll write in the mindset that this will be you reading. I’ve been watching you since I was a preteen- fuck okay that sounds creepy. You know what I mean right? Your show. I’ve been watching you act on a family friendly sitcom. Um, anyway, I’m just writing this to thank you. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “I’ve struggled with my gender identity since I was 11 and nothing has ever calmed me down like cutting before your voice. I know it’s weird and honestly there’s no way for me to continue this letter without sounding like an attention whore so if you wanna duck out and pretend this got lost in the sea of letters I won’t notice anyway so go for it. I remember I was told by a Chris (my best friend. God bless that fucker.) to watch some movie that was on before your show premiered but I completely missed the movie due to a breakdown related to me seeing my tits in the mirror or my voice or something else that was just stupid to cry over. There’s no actual cure for being trans is there? You could get hormone replacement therapy and pay to cut all the girly stuff off and paste on a franken-dick but at the end of the day your childhood was pink and frilly and you haven’t got any sperm. Sorry that was graphic. Anyway I went to cut as usual and I just heard your voice-over for the first episode… and I just stopped. A few minutes in and I wasn’t crying anymore and I even laughed. You were exactly who I wanted to be.”  _ Phil’s voice shook a bit.  __ “Your hair was so cool and your eyes are just… well I’m sure you’ve seen them before. You were sort of a role model I guess. I looked you up afterwards and watched EVERYTHING you were in (all 4 at the time). I rewatched them when I was upset. 

 

_ “You inspired me to try. I started dressing a little more tomboyish. I auditioned for some male roles in the local theater and I actually got a callback for Gavroche in Les Miserables! I didn’t get the role but I got inspired to keep trying. My dream was to co-star with you and maybe be friends. Or maybe more? Haha it’s nice to have dreams.”  _ The letter made so much more sense now. He tried his best not to start crying.

 

_ “You were only 15 when I first heard you and since it’s going to be your 18th birthday next year I figured I’d send you a letter with every cheesy poem I ever wrote. Wait. You don’t like cheese right? Let’s use sappy instead. I wrote these SAPPY poems that are 100% fungus-free. You won’t get most of them since you don’t know me, so you can totally trash them. I just need someone to have them and I really can’t have anyone tip off my parents. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “You have the most beautiful smile and the warmest voice and like a million different eye colors (except one: brown. But don’t worry- I’ve got that color covered with mine). Don’t let anyone ever say a single thing that brings you down because people like you are made of laughter and sunshine. I’m sure you have bad days just like everyone does but please remember you kept me alive for years. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “It’s not your fault I didn’t conquer depression or become a man and all that. Honestly. And 16 years of being a girl is more than enough for me. You’re an inspiration and deserve all things good. So I’m sending this to you in the hopes that any luck and happiness I have left goes straight to you when I hit send. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Maybe I’ll see you in another life as a boy, if that’s actually a thing? Who knows? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Your fan, _ _   
_ _ “Dan Davies. _ ” Phil took a breath. “ __ Dan Davies eh? That has a nice ring to it,” he joked before softening. “Why didn’t you send this one?”

 

Dan hesitated. “I just… I didn’t want my parents to find it in my sent box. And I didn’t like the idea that you might get grossed out by a trans guy admitting his love for you with a suicide note. It was all too much.” 

 

“I would never ha-”

 

Dan cut him off and raised a hand to stop him. “I didn’t know you then, Phil. I was in a really dark place, too.”

 

Phil nodded with a sigh as he wiped the half-formed tears from his eyes. “I’m really glad you’re not dead.”

 

Dan looked at Phil and pulled him into a hug. He felt himself shaking as Phil wrapped his arms tightly around him. He felt himself start sobbing and he could’nt stop. Phil brought him onto his lap with ease and they both cried holding each other so tightly he was sure they would bruise each other. “I missed you so much Phil. I was so scared.” He managed between sobs. “I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad you don’t hate me.”

 

Phil pulled back and they met each other’s wet faces. “Can I kiss you?” 

 

Dan nodded and leant in. Fireworks? Electricity? Passion? None of those descriptions compared to the ecstasy the men felt as their lips found their way around each other. Phil wrapped a hand around Dan’s lower back and the other behind his neck bringing him closer and closer. It wasn’t close enough.

  
Dan broke the kiss. Eyes dilated, he parted his red and swollen lips tp say: “I love you, Phil.”   


	17. You need to live for yourself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Korey have a talk about Dan. PJ also has some feelings.

“Relax, Ty. I’m sure he’s fine,” Korey said wrapping a comforting arm around Tyler. Tyler had been nervous all afternoon ever since Dan’s text that he was out to eat with Phil. It was so out-of-character for Dan to just change plans, let alone to be with someone he’d avoided for  _ years. _

 

Tyler shrugged him off. He was astounded at Korey’s nonchalant attitude towards the situation. “You don’t  _ know _ him like I do. This isn’t like him.”

 

“No, but I do know  _ you _ pretty well.” He pressed his lips in a firm line. “And what I know about you is that you tend to assume the worst.” He sat up from his relaxed position on Tyler’s couch and muted the TV they had been attempting to watch. “Let’s go through this. He performed an  _ amazing _ show. He was supposed to meet up with us for food but he canceled and went with Phil instead. They eat. They talk. Maybe go back to Phil’s place or even his place-”

 

“Oh my god what if he’s there now!?” Tyler went to jump off the couch intending to run to Dan’s apartment but Korey grabbed him.

 

“Sit down! Tyler.” He sighed. “What is up with you and Dan?”

 

“He’s my friend.” Tyler glared before attempting to stand up again. Korey pressed his a firm hand assertively on Tyler’s thigh.

 

“Yeah, your friend. Not your responsibility. Okay here’s another angle, what other friends do you have?”

 

“Well… you. And Louise. Evan, kind of,” he pathetically listed.

 

“Why is Dan different? Do you  _ like _ him?” 

 

“Oh  _ god _ no.” Tyler wrinkled his nose. “I couldn’t handle that mess.”

 

Korey raised an eyebrow. “But aren’t you?” Tyler paused. “Do you think maybe you’re  _ projecting _ yourself a bit?”

 

“What do you mean?” Tyler’s eyes narrowed.

 

“Do you see yourself in him?”

 

The room was quiet for a moment. Tyler didn’t want to give Korey the satisfaction of being right but as he thought about it he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe there was some truth. He looked into Korey’s kind eyes and knew he didn’t mean anything but good from this conversation.

 

“No,” Tyler decidedly admitted. “He’s a good person.”

 

Korey looked hurt. Tyler couldn’t understand why until he saw his reflection in Korey. He realized in that moment that Korey was acting the way Tyler did to Dan. “Tyler, you’re an amazing person.”

 

“I’m not though.” His voice was small. He never imagined himself in Dan’s position yet there he sat. “I…” He bit his lip softly. “Dan is a better person than I am. I whored myself to get ahead in photography. I didn’t want Dan to do the same. I slept with people I swore I’d  _ never _ sleep with again just to get him that role. I-” His voice was shaking. “I always joke about it, you know? How I sleep with all the right people. But they are  _ bad _ people, Korey.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I’m not a fan of kinkshaming but somehow the more power they have… You know, the more necessary they are in Dan’s career, they more  _ fucked up _ they are.”

 

“Does Dan  _ know _ ?” Korey put his arms around Tyler. Tyler let them stay there this time.

 

“No. He only knows about the first one. But the director isn’t stupid, you know? Dan cuts. He thinks the director doesn’t  _ know  _ but he does. He notices when Dan relapses and calls me up and threatens to fire him if I don’t come over. ‘ _ I can’t have this teenaged bullshit bleeding all over these expensive costumes’ _ and whatnot. So I do.”

 

“Does he use protection?”

 

“Sometimes.” He shrugged. “I’m always on PrEP when I notice Dan’s in a downswing and PEP after the director has his way with me.”

 

“What’re those?” Korey raised an eyebrow.

 

Tyler took a breath. “Basically, they’re pills. PrEP is what you take if you are at high risk of getting HIV. Like people who have a partner with HIV take it so they don’t get it too. PEP is what you take ideally after but within 3 days of being exposed to HIV. It’s what I take when I get surprise phone calls. I’ve basically got a pharmacy in my house.”

 

“Oh.” Korey sounded impressed. “I didn’t realize there’s medication for that.”

 

Tyler let out a soft chuckle. “The more you know…” He said in a sing-song voice. “Getting back to Dan… He just. He  _ looks up _ to me, you know? I’ve never really had that before. I’ve been an equal to someone and I’ve  _ definitely _ been looked  _ down _ on before, but never like. I don’t know. I’ve never been someone’s hero and I like it. I really feel good about myself when I can help him.”

 

“Tyler,” Korey said with a smile, “he’d still look up to you no matter what, I’m sure.” 

 

“Yeah, maybe.” He relaxed into Korey. “I really missed you.”

 

“You know, I don’t have to leave again. I’ve always been waiting for you to call.” He held Tyler closer. They both took in the smell of the other and nostalgia swept over them like a warm duvet.

 

Tyler listened to Korey’s heartbeat through his chest. “Why?” His voice was like a whisper. 

 

Korey didn’t miss a beat. “I never stopped loving you.”

 

“Even after everything I just said?”

 

“Even after everything you just said.”

 

Tyler’s phone rang and shattered the moment. He grabbed it and looked at the screen. PJ’s name was lit up in bold letters. He answered it. “Hello?”

 

“Dan and Phil are together. He changed his relationship status,” PJ cried on the other end.

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, _ what _ ?” Tyler said with disbelief, putting his phone on speaker.

 

“I was just checking my notifications on facebook and the next thing I know at the top of me feed  _ Daniel Howell is now in a relationship with Phil Lester. _ Tyler I don’t know what to do with myself! How did I fuck up so badly?” His voice was frantic.

 

“Wait what did  _ you _ do?” Tyler shook his head as he heard PJ begin to sob. “Nevermind. Just come over and tell me.”

 

It wasn’t long before he heard PJ sniffling outside. Korey was taking it well, or so it seemed. Tyler apologized before getting the door. PJ didn’t wait for formalities. “I let his fucking  _ genitals _ get in the way.”

 

“ _ What?”  _ Tyler exclaimed.

 

“I just. I wish he wasn’t trans. I don’t understand why it matters but apparently it does. I  _ love _ him, Tyler. I  _ really, really  _ love him but I’m not attracted to him anymore. Ever since I found out.” He snapped his finger. “It’s like a light went out. Why am I such a bad person? I  _ love _ him.”

 

“You can’t help what you are and aren’t attracted to. I liked a girl once. Doesn’t mean I’m bisexual. Romantic attraction and sexual attraction don’t always line up.” Korey shrugged. “It doesn’t make you a bad person.”

 

“ _ Excuse me?”  _ Tyler shrilled. “Dan is a  _ man. _ PJ  _ clearly _ you’re not seeing him that way anymore.”

 

“No! I am!” PJ stressed with his hands in frustrated fists. “I just- it’s  _ gone _ .” He released his fists. “All sexual attraction is gone! Poof! Well,  _ most _ of it. I don’t want to have  _ sex _ with him anymore I just want to cuddle and stuff.”

 

“You’re just not into trans dudes.” Korey said sympathetically. 

 

“There’s no such thing as  _ trans dudes. _ ” Tyler said offendedly. “They’re  _ men. _ ”

 

“Yes, Tyler, Dan is a man. But regardless of the fact that he is a man he has a vagina. Not all guys can deal with that.” Korey tried to keep his voice steady as he started to get annoyed.

 

“It shouldn’t matter.” Tyler shook his head firmly.

 

“Okay try this: sexuality is a scale from 1 to 10. 1 is completely straight, and 10 is completely gay. You follow me?” Tyler and PJ nodded their heads. “Okay, so that means it’s  _ possible _ for someone to be a solid 10. If PJ were a 9, maybe he’d still be 100% into Dan, but he’s a 10 so he’s not.”

 

“I disagree. Dan is a man. The rest doesn’t matter.” Tyler said bitterly.

 

“Tyler you can’t be mad at PJ for not being attracted to someone.” Korey sighed.

 

“I’m mad at him for being  _ transphobic, _ ” Tyler stressed. “If he didn’t like Dan that would be one thing but he doesn’t like something that Dan desperately wants to change but can’t. That is _ fucked _ up.” He snapped his finger for emphasis. “Your little scale suggests that Dan is less of a man than I am.”

 

“No, I think he’s right.” PJ said gesturing to Korey. “I think that’s what happened.”

 

Outside the door Dan’s hand was shaking, still in the position to knock as it had been moments after PJ walked in. He and Phil had tried to call out to him but he’d been in a trance. Phil touched Dan’s shoulder. “Come on, you don’t need to hear this nonsense.” Dan let his hand fall to his side. “Let’s go back to your place.”

  
Dan nodded and they went on their way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you are into roleplaying, my friends and I recently got together and formed a group called Sea Salt Cove. Its a tumblr youtube roleplay where famous youtubers all live together in the same town. Despite that being a very farfetched situation, it's really fun, I promise. It's still very new but it has really helped me stay writing on my slump days. As you can see I'm back here again so it must be working! If you like roleplaying we are still in need of more new people so come on over and roleplay with me (I play Dan and Tyler)! 
> 
> http://seasaltcove-rp.tumblr.com


	18. The bells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil sees Dan's collection of bells. Dan and Phil go to Louise's shop to pick out a new one.

Upon arriving back at his place, Dan mumbled at Phil to wait a moment and excused himself to the bathroom. The argument he’d heard at Tyler’s was echoing in his head. The idea that PJ lost all attraction to Dan upon learning he was trans was eating away at him. He couldn't help unzipping his pants and sitting on the toilet.

It would be so easy to numb his mind. Just a few slices on his flesh and it would all be gone for a moment. Just for a moment his mind would be clear of all thoughts and feelings. The small high that came with it was an added plus. Of course it would all rush back worse than ever with another layer of self-hatred at his weakness but that moment of peace was so tempting.

He looked down to his crotch at what wasn't there. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault! He’d have give anything to have been born normal. Even just as a cisgendered girl. If he could have just been happy being Rebecca none of this would have happened. He would have happily dated Phil and been an adorable normal couple. Phil would have gone on to be the award winning actor he was meant to be before Dan screwed it up. Everything would have been perfect.

The guilt of Dan ruining Phil’s career crept up on him. It was then that, rather than cutting himself, he began to cry. Tears streamed down his face as he let it all out though tears. He didn't want to be this way. He didn't want to be transgender. He didn't want to ruin Phil’s career. He didn't want his parents to think he’d killed himself. He didn't want the country to ring bells to bring him home every year. He wanted nothing more than to be anyone besides himself.

There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Dan,” Phil said softly, “can I come in?”

Dan nodded before realizing Phil couldn't see him. “Y-yeah,” he managed.

Phil opened the door that Dan had forgotten to lock and Phil saw Dan’s legs. It was evident in his eyes that Phil had expected blood. Phil saw the scars from the last time Dan had cut himself. The scabs were raw and irritated from the jeans that Dan had been wearing. Phil’s eyes traveled to Dan's covered arms and then up to Dan’s face. “Are you feeling safe?” He asked cautiously. Dan nodded. “Can I hug you?”

The tenderness in his voice welcomed another soft sob. Dan nodded and Phil got down on his knees beside Dan and wrapped his arms around him. Dan broke and the tears spilled faster than before as his cry turned into heavy sobbing.

“Did you cut anywhere?” Phil asked thinking about Dan’s covered arms while stroking his back. Dan shook his head. “I’m so proud of you.” Phil hugged him tighter. “You’re so strong.” Dan felt himself melting into Phil. “Let’s get out of the bathroom, yeah?” He pulled away from him as Dan got up and pulled up his pants.

Dan led him to his bedroom. Phil glanced at all the bells and noticed the photo. “You kept it.” He said with a little surprise. Dan nodded and sat on his bed. “I should print out the new one so you can have it too.”

Dan looked up at him as Phil sat beside him. “You are a man, Dan.” Phil placed his hand on Dan’s. “Most men just are, you know? They grow up from little boys to entitled assholes that think the world belongs to them without a second thought,” he chuckled as he spoke. “But you,” he continued with awe, “you worked harder than any man I know to just be seen as one. And look at you! You’re starring in a play and I’ve not only seen it but read the reviews. They all mention your brilliance.”

Dan smiled a little as he sniffled. “Thank you.”

Phil returned the smile. “So I noticed some new bells. Do you want to tell me about them?”

Dan stood and Phil followed. Dan picked up a small one and closed his eyes as he rang it. “This one is from the day I met Tyler. He was my first friend as Dan.” He smiled and picked up another. “This is when my testosterone came in the mail.” He pointed to the next few. “My first audition, when I got the role of Maruis, my first performance, my first standing ovation, when I had my breasts removed…” He picked up the last one. It was black with a knotted handle. “This is from when I saw you were still looking for me.”

“You have a bell for that?” Phil blushed.

“Yeah,” Dan said with a small smile. “It made me angry at first. I wished you’d given up and just let me die… but I couldn’t help but feel wanted at the same time.” He shrugged. “It was nice.”

Phil smiled. “Should we stop by Louise’s and get another for today?”

Dan grinned with a blush, remembering their changed relationship status. “Yeah, probably.”

They made their way to her shop and the snow began to fall. Phil stopped him on a street corner and pulled him to the side. Dan raised an eyebrow and Phil gently placed his hands on Dan’s shoulders. “Can I kiss you?”

Dan smiled. “Are you asking because it’s snowing?”

“It's romantic.” Phil beamed. “Look at it!”

Dan felt his heart warm as he exhaled and saw the little cloud escape his mouth. It faded and he saw Phil’s face looking so hopeful and he couldn't help but grin. “You dork.” He laughed and Phil blushed. “Of course you can.”

Phil leaned in and Dan followed. Their lips touched and Dan was sure he felt the earth spinning beneath them. He felt Phil’s scruff against his chin like electricity and he placed his hands on Phil’s cheeks and brought him closer. The world felt quiet. His mind was clear. Everything he wanted was beneath his hands.

He heard bells ring from Louise’s shop nearby and broke the kiss. He saw Tyler lowering his camera from his face. His heart sank a bit as everything returned to his mind.

“I’ll print it nice and big for you, don't worry,” Tyler smiled.

Phil turned his head towards Tyler as Tyler looked down at the screen on his camera and brushed away a few snowflakes from it. “Do you want to-”

“It’s fine, Phil,” Dan cut him off. He saw Korey emerge from the shop clearly wondering what was going on.

“Oh, hey.” Korey awkwardly greeted them.

“Hey,” Dan said flatly.

“You okay?” Tyler raised an eyebrow.

Dan hesitated. He wondered if he should even bring it up. Neither of them had said anything wrong. It hurt hearing Korey’s opinion but he wasn't wrong. If anything, Korey was right. It wasn't PJ’s fault that he felt that way. Or rather, didn't feel that way. Tyler was Dan’s best friend. Bottling it up and keeping it a secret would do more harm than good. He’d made his decision. “I heard.”

Both Korey and Tyler’s face fell. They didn't have to ask what.

“Dan,” Korey started but Dan put a hand up.

“It's fine.”

“Are you sure?” Tyler asked cautiously.

Dan nodded.

Tyler tried to smile but it looked forced which was very unlike him. Korey didn't bother. He was always polite, but never a liar. If he felt one way you’d always know.

“I’d been on my way to tell you,” Dan admits. “About Phil and I, that is.”

“I was wondering why I wasn't the first to know.” Tyler smiled genuinely.

“We came here for a bell.” Phil added, gesturing to the shop.

“Well come on in then!” Tyler waved them into the shop as though it were his. “I’m sure Louise is gonna love to see this.” He pointed at the two of them with a mischievous smile.

Dan smiled nervously. He hadn't been to Louise’s shop since he found out she’d started working with Bells For Becca. It had been too risky in his eyes.

Phil entered the shop first and Louise lit up with joy the second she saw Dan follow. “I saw facebook!! I was literally just on! I can't believe this!” She cheered. “My two favorite boys!” She ran over and hugged them both. She pulled back. “Darcy, look who's here!” She called.

Darcy peeked out from around the counter and bolted to Dan as she let out a squeal. “Dan!” She grabbed his legs in a fierce hug.

Dan laughed and picked her up in a hug. He’d missed her the most. Her smile was one of his favorite things on the planet right next to her laugh. “Darcy! How are you?”

“It's been ages!” She exclaimed sounding very much like her mother. “I missed you!” She gave him a light smack on his shoulder.

“Darcy! Be nice!” Louise chastised while letting out a small chuckle at her daughter’s passion.

“Sorry,” Darcy apologized rubbing his shoulder.

“That’s alright.” He laughed.

Phil smiled at Darcy and Dan. Although the idea that they’d knew each other long enough for her to be so affectionate hurt a little. He was right there in Louise’s life the whole time.

Dan placed her down and noticed the poster pinned by the counter. “I hadn't seen this year's poster. It’s nice.”

Phil nodded. “Jamie just finished it recently.”

Tyler walked up to them with Korey close behind.

“Korey?” Louise’s jaw dropped a little. “Is this what I think it is?” She looked between Korey and Tyler.

Korey looked at Tyler and raised an eyebrow. Tyler blushed. “Yeah,” he admitted. Korey grinned.

Dan whipped his head around. “Wait! What!?”

Tyler hid his face in his hands briefly. “Yeah.” He giggled.

“When were you going to tell me?” Dan’s jaw was still dropped.

“A lot happened!” Tyler tried his best to form words. “And in the middle of it all… It kinda just happened.

Dan shook his head with a smile. “Well it's about time.”

Korey smiled at Tyler and took his hand before lacing their fingers.

“Well,” Phil looked at Dan. “Shall we?” Dan nodded.

They walked over to the bells. The same bells Dan had dusted daily before getting his role as Marius. He knew just the one he wanted. It was silver and had a gentle ding when you rang it. It was small but beautiful. He picked it up softly and cradled it in his right hand. He took Phil’s hand with his left and leaned in and kissed him as he rang the bell twice.

He was sure in that moment that this bell would be his favorite.


	19. Bells For Becca

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan gives his speech.

Dan couldn't believe the event came so quickly. At this point, most of the people working the charity knew who he  _ really _ was. To say he was starting to regret agreeing to this was an understatement. Phil offered him opportunities to back out left and right but that only made it harder to quit. It would have been agreeing he was too fragile for the event- and though maybe he was- he wasn’t about to  _ admit _ to that.

 

BBC Radio 1 was setting up and kept touching base with him to be sure he was still doing this and if he’d be comfortable giving an interview afterwards. He kept saying yes he was doing this and  _ maybe _ he’d do the interview and they’d leave him be for about 15 minutes before returning and asking again. To be honest, he wasn’t really sure how confident he was about doing any of this. He’d written a speech and gone over it several times in his head but he didn’t want to read it from paper. On the other hand, he didn’t want to go up on stage without it in case he blanked out and forgot  _ everything. _

 

“Dan,” Tyler said as he approached him and brought him out of his thoughts. “How’re you holding up?”

 

Dan sighed with a laugh. “I can’t really put anything into words right now.”

 

“Well you brought your essay-speech-thing, right?” He sat beside Dan.

 

Dan pulled it out of his pocket and unfolded it. “Yeah but reading from it would look kind of bad, wouldn’t it?”

 

Tyler shrugged. “Better than standing there frozen.”

 

Dan nodded. “True.”

 

“I’ll be proud either way, you know. Phil too, I’m sure,” Tyler said cautiously putting a hand on Dan’s shoulder.

 

“What is it with you two?” He shook his head. “I go up on stage all the time.”

 

“Well, yeah.” Tyler brought his hands to his lap. “This is a bit different though. This is you coming out on live TV.” He froze and turned to Dan with his hands up defensively. “Not that I’m trying to scare you or anything.”

 

“No, I know.” Dan sighed again.

 

“Me and Dodie and  _ everyone _ are here if you need us. If you want hugs or snacks or a slap in the face.” He chuckled. “Whatever you need.”

 

Dan smiled. “Thanks.”

 

Tyler pat his back and walked away. Dan was grateful for the space. Tyler always seemed to know when Dan genuinely needed to be alone. 

 

Bells rang signaling the 15 minute warning before Dan was meant to go on stage. Phil was on stage giving his opening speech. Dan wanted so badly to listen but his anxiety was screaming in his ears. His stomach felt as though it were sinking and melting onto his other organs. He felt it oozing down and wasn't sure if he was going to be sick or going to cry. He remembered back to the first time he met Phil.

 

_ He had been sitting on the train as it pulled into the station clutching his bag on his lap for dear life as though it were the only thing keeping him steady. He stood up as the train stopped and stepped onto the platform and saw Phil. Suddenly he was very aware of each stray hair and how his outfit might not be sitting right on his body. He glanced down at his floral tunic and tugged at it a bit so it rested better. He glanced at his reflection on his phone to try and casually see if his eyeliner was okay. When he looked up again Phil was in front of him.  _

 

That was the last time he felt so nervous. Even with his big auditions, close encounters to being outed, and calling his parents  _ nothing _ had compared to that time he first saw Phil and felt so aware of his flaws. Nothing compared at all until this very moment where his sweaty palms were gripped around his speech. He was about to go onstage and recite it live. It could either go perfect or be unimaginably humiliating. The thing with Dan is that there never seemed to be an in between.  

 

He saw Phil approaching as he walked off the stage. Looking at him was just like the first time. The kindness is his light eyes was unmatched. Dan wondered how could anyone hold an expression so gentle with eyes so intense. “You ready?” He asked Dan with a hopeful smile.

 

Dan shook his head. “Not really, but I have to be.” Phil opened his mouth to speak and Dan put his hand up to stop him. “I’m doing it.”

 

Phil nodded and fixed Dan’s fringe. “You’ll be great.”

 

Dan blushed and smiled. “Thanks. I hope so.”

 

“You sure you don't want me up there with you?” He asked. Dan nodded. “Alright. Best be going, then.”

 

Dan nodded again and walked onto the stage. The lights were bright but it was nothing like the theater. He could see the audience, the cameras, there was nothing but a podium for him to hide behind. This was it. He looked back at the side of the stage and Phil gave him a thumbs up and an encouraging smile. Dan made his way to the podium and looked up at the silent crowd.

 

“Thank you, Phil. It’s a pleasure to be here,” Dan said a bit stiffly as he nodded towards the side of the stage where Phil stood. “Though, I must say, I am  _ completely _ terrified so bear with me.” The audience chuckled. “I have a speech written here so as not to lose track. Let’s hope it works.” He lifted his paper with a smile and the audience laughed again.

 

“As some of you already know: my name is legally Rebecca Jane Davies.” To his surprise, there was a bit of a gasp. “Yes, I’m Becca. This entire time you’ve all been looking for me I’ve been Marius in Les Mis down on the West End,” he said with a touch of humor. No one laughed. “Meaning... I am transgender.” The words left his mouth as all of the air seemed to leave his lungs.

 

He cleared his throat and looked down at his paper. His hands were shaking. He never really understood stage fright before that moment. “To be transgender is to identify with a gender that is not the one you were assigned based on your organs after being born. It is knowing in your head that you are not meant to have the  _ junk _ you have between your legs.” He felt his confidence building as he spoke. He thought of Dodie’s words about how if you can’t do it, as an actor, you can play the role of someone who can. “It is a strong desire to crawl out of your skin as early as even  _ four-years-old _ when you see yourself in a mirror. It is to feel like the only hope of being the gender you identify with is to kill yourself and pray a collective prayer to whatever entity that may be listening that reincarnation is  _ real _ . It is to spend  _ countless _ nights reading up on the word ‘transgender’ and seeing the horrible stories of people who’ve had surgery to ‘fix’ themselves and  _ still _ feel unhappy. It is  _ countless _ stories of people who still feel incomplete after having been on hormone replacement therapy for years. But then, there is a story here and there of people who are happy. People that have  _ finally _ found peace only to be murdered for being who they are.” His voice echoed through the silent venue. He was surprised at how strong he sounded.

 

“I first knew something was different about me at age 7. I was playing Barbie with my friend and he let me be the Ken doll for the first time. That was probably the most enlightening experience I ever had in my entire life.” He chuckled. “Imagine! Playing with dolls and discovering your true self. When my mother called us down for dinner that day I remember thinking how food seemed like the  _ least _ important thing on the planet. If I could’ve been playing the boy all day I would’ve.” He sighed at the memory before laughing a little. “I remember looking at my friend and feeling the most  _ heated _ jealousy I’d ever felt up until that point. It wasn't fair that I had to walk down the stairs in leggings and a skirt while he got to wear camo cargo pants. While I think I knew it was more than just clothing, I just  _ vividly _ remember being jealous of his pants.” He laughed again. Some of the audience chuckled a bit. 

 

“When I was a eleven I heard the word ‘transgender’ for the first time. My mum was watching a talk show and this lady was interviewing a transwoman and I remember my mother shaking her head and mumbling something about how you should just learn to live with what you’re given. How she wished she could be a cat and sleep all day but she didn't dress like one.

 

“I put on a dress that day after hearing what she said. Logically, it made sense. Plenty of people don’t like certain features they have but need to learn to embrace their flaws. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a girl. I saw my long wavy hair and my delicate features and narrow neck and rather than embracing any of it I nearly cried.” He paused before continuing. “I slapped my cheek to get a grip and not let myself cry. Feeling the sting on my cheek I felt the world quiet for a minute as I stared at myself. I sat down on my bed and began hitting my thighs as I felt my head go numb. I hit them and hit them until bruises formed. A good while passed and I stared down at my polka-dotted legs. I covered them with white leggings.”

 

He took in a breath. The silence was unsettling. Plenty of people spoke of their struggles with self harm at these events. Despite performing in large theaters he just never really noticed how quiet a crowd could be until he saw the crowd for himself. “From then on I was able to keep my head together by tearing my body apart. I’d sit at my desk in school and when I began to feel uncomfortable I’d press my hand to one of the bruises. It would be like that first slap in the face where everything went quiet for just a second.

 

“Eventually, I don't really remember how or when exactly, but I started cutting. It wasn’t long after I began cutting that other kids at my school found out. A few girls in particular gave me a really hard time about it. With all the harassing phone calls and messages I received my phone began to feel heavier and heavier. I  _ hated _ carrying it with me. I often broke it on purpose just so I wouldn't have to keep it on my person.” Another line he expected a chuckle from but was met with silence.

 

“The friend I mentioned earlier started to find his way into a group of guys he’d always admired and I was beginning to feel more alone. He contacted me one afternoon and told me about a movie he’d seen with them that he thought I might like. He mentioned was going to be on in a moment and that I should watch it so we could talk about it.

 

“Of course, being a self-centered teenager, I got upset with myself. Upset that if I’d been born the way I was meant to be born I would have seen it that first time with him and the other boys. I looked in the mirror again and  _ hated _ myself. This turned into a whole big episode and I sat in front of that mirror saying horrible things to myself. I must have sat there for nearly two hours because I missed the entire movie. I turned to the channel and soon heard Phil Lester’s voice for the first time. I started laughing so hard at the ridiculous show that I forgot everything.” He smiled at the memory. 

 

“I may or may not have become a bit obsessed. I got involved in online forums and blogs and I was in  _ deep _ .”

 

“My friend and I didn't speak much anymore. I'm pretty sure I pushed him away. I’d begun pushing  _ everyone _ away, if I’m honest. I got calls every single day from people who just wanted to make me cry. I got bullied for my scars, for my messy hair, for my height, for how I dressed.  _ Nothing _ I did was right. That was when I decided to give that reset button a try. I’d attempted by cutting once in the past from the bullying but this time I was even more serious. I was going to overdose. I did research on what I would need and planned how to go about it time-wise and I had everything ready. It was foolproof. I wrote a long thank-you email to Phil before I went back and edited out the part about me being transgender in case my parents went through everything. It was all sorted.” He glanced down at his hands that were gripping the podium. He’d never felt so exposed. 

 

He looked back up at the audience. “That is, until my friend came over to invite me out with his guy friends after I wasn't answering my phone. He had a key to the house from years earlier and made his way upstairs to my room and found me. He called 999 and I woke up in the A&E. I spent the week in a rehab facility and when I came out everything was exactly the same besides a new reason the poke fun at me. Some of his friends had told their other friends about that  _ dramatic _ night and I was honestly ready to try again.”

 

"That was when I received a call from Phil Lester.” He glanced to the side of the stage at Phil who gave an encouraging nod. “The man I’d idolized for  _ years _ . He took me to see a musical and after that perfect day with the sweetest bell’s ring I swore I could die with a smile on my face.” He looked back at the crowd. “Then, he asked if I’d like to do it again sometime and I wondered if I could  _ live _ happy if it was with him. 

 

“His career took off as our relationship started. I managed to hide the whole relationship from my parents for fear of them getting their hopes up that it would last. 

 

“I decided I would take my gap year in the United States where he’d be filming. I’d saved up more money than I had even planned on saving. I was so excited.

 

“Everything was perfect until he started to have to raincheck or cancel or whatever all the time due to his new busy schedule. Self-centered me thought it was my fault. In my head I was thinking he must have grown tired of me. So I decided I would bite the bullet and tell him  _ everything  _ regarding my gender. That way if he wanted a real reason to leave me he would have one. Or maybe if he knew we’d be closer than ever.

 

“So I texted him and called him and tried everything to reach him. He didn't answer me.” He paused.

 

“I chickened out. This was the universe giving me a sign, I thought. Frantically, I looked at my bank account again. I looked up the cost for a trip to London and booked my ticket. I would go to London, cut my hair, bind my chest, and die. I would  _ die _ looking like a man. 

 

“I chopped off my hair and wrapped my chest down with bandages. I could barely breathe and my ribs bruised with every step. I went to a professional hair dresser and got my hair trimmed properly. God, I was so happy when I looked in the mirror. And then the hairdresser called me  _ sir _ . I was euphoric.” He smiled.

 

“I walked down to a nearby theater and stood outside. I wondered if I could fool the world into believing I truly was a man. I remembered how I had dreamed of performing on stage when I was younger.

 

“Acting was something I’d always loved. I  _ loved _ every opportunity to not be Becca. With acting I could be anyone.

 

“I shook the thoughts away. I admit to myself it wasn't possible. I saw my reflection on the glass door and decided I would go through with ending my life. 

 

“Moments later I met Tyler. My absolute  _ best _ friend on the planet. We talked for a while and he let me spend the night. I left before he woke up but he tracked me down. I found out recently he went to that same spot every day waiting for me to come back. I did, obviously. He helped get me, basically a stranger, an audition. I got the role. Before I knew it I was on stage. It was a speaking role, nothing remarkable but I was on stage.” He sighed happily at the memory.

 

“One night I messed up. I got home and I relapsed cutting. Tyler found out and, rather than freak out, helped patch me up. That became the routine.

 

“One day I saw posters for Bells For Becca in the shop I worked at. I promptly quit.” He chuckled and the audience followed. “I started auditioning for bigger roles hoping to make rent that week. I somehow managed.

 

“It was about five years later when I got the part of Marius. I  _ finally _ had a major role. The reviews during previews all mentioned my chosen name: Daniel James Howell. According to them, I was remarkable.” He glanced up at the lights with disbelief. He still couldn’t comprehend those reviews.

 

“Opening night, Phil took my parents to see me. They all specifically requested to see me after the show. I tried to sneak out but the director actually  _ made me _ go out there because:  _ ‘Phil Lester has a big charity event coming up and I’d like it to be a positive review if he happens to mention it.’ _ And in my head I’m screaming  _ I know!” _ The audience laughed hard at that one.

 

“I’m pretty sure my mum cried. Phil  _ definitely _ recognized me. We met a few times after that and here I am.” The audience applauded, but he wasn’t finished.

He waited for it to die down and he continued. “I’m grateful I chose to live. I’m thankful they never gave up looking for me. I’m fortunate that my dreams have come true. I still struggle with self harm to this day. I still struggle with my body image and the dysphoria that comes with being transgender.

 

“I believe, more than anything today, that more resources are needed for young transgender individuals. The T in LGBT is put last and has been treated as the least important letter in the acronym for  _ far _ too long. Transgender children know who they are. There is a difference between dress up and identifying with a different gender. They  _ know _ the difference and with proper resources the parents would be able to  _ tell _ the difference. Kids would feel more confident in expressing themselves if they knew they weren't alone.” 

 

He paused. “I am not alone.” 

 

“There are so many kids out there that aren't lucky enough to have survived two suicide attempts. There are so many kids hurting themselves  _ every single day _ as they try and quiet their mind from screaming thoughts reminding them they aren't normal. Too many kids think something is wrong! They need to know there is nothing abnormal with how they feel. They need to know there are success stories!  _ Not _ all trans people die!  _ Not _ all trans people are unhappy! You can live a  _ long _ and  _ happy _ life because  _ you are not alone!” _ He smacked the podium as he spoke with passion he didn’t know he had in him.

 

“Support your transgender family members. Let them know you  _ love _ them no matter who they are or what they want to be called.  _ Talk _ to them.  _ Educate _ yourself.” The audience began to clap again.

 

“To learn you are transgender is to learn you will be fighting to be seen as yourself for the rest of your life. To choose to stay alive after that is to be brave. To live as a transgender individual is to be strong. To identify as transgender is to know that being yourself is worth the fight.” People stood and applauded. His heart was racing in his chest. He felt his heartbeat as loud as the audience.

 

“This charity will continue to go on even though the search for me is over. This charity was about more than just finding a girl who ran away. It gave hope to other families and provided resources to prevent your loved ones from running away in the first place.” He nodded his head. “Thank you.”

 

Dan made his way off the stage and the audience was still applauding. Phil hugged him tightly. “You were  _ fantastic, _ Dan.”

 

“Thank you. I’m still shaking.” Dan laughed. “Am I sweating?”

 

“A bit.” Phil laughed as he broke the hug. “I may be biased but that was the most powerful speech anyone has ever given for this event in all of it’s years. And honestly Louise’s was  _ very _ moving when we were looking for her friend Zoe.”

 

Tyler seemed to come out of nowhere with a massive hug. Tears were in his eyes. “I love you so fucking much. I am  _ so proud _ of you.”

 

“Thank you so much.” Dan hugged him back tightly. 

 

Phil pat Dan’s shoulder. “I’ve got to go back on, but I’ll be back in a bit, okay?”

 

Dan nodded. He watched Phil walk onto the stage and felt the world quiet. Tyler’s arms were still around him and Phil was standing in the light. He never thought his life would turn out this way. Here he was, hugging his best friend and looking at the man of his dreams who never gave up looking for him. 

 

No matter how far they may run, no one is ever really alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me through this roller coaster of a year. So much has happened since I posted that first chapter. To the countless comments from people saying I helped them or a friend you should all know how absolutely humbled I am. I cannot articulate how much these comments mean to me. 
> 
> I can't believe this fic is over. It's been such a huge part of my life. Whenever I needed it most someone seemed to comment and I felt like I was truly making a difference. The idea that people checked this fic every day to see if it had updated blows my mind.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your support. 
> 
> My tumblr is @asherthealmighty if you want to stick with me (though I rarely tag anything so I'm quite a terrible user to follow). My twitter is @asheralmighty if you want to keep updated with me there. I usually post little screenshots of what I'm writing if you like previews. I dont know. I'm really upset to lose you all after I finish typing this. 
> 
> I mean this isn't the last fic I'll ever post. There will absolutely be more. This was just so special, you know?
> 
> I love you all so much. Stay strong because you are. Regardless of what you might think in weak moments you are strong. Every second you aren't hurting yourself. Every time you get out of bed. Every time you eat. All of those moments and more. You are alive. To be alive is brave. 
> 
> As J. M. Barrie wrote: "To live is an awfully big adventure."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments make my day and guilt me into writing faster haha


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